Comedy, Harry Potter, Humor, Nonsense Stories, Parody, Violence, Writing Practice

Harry Potter goes swimming

Harry Potter gazed at the YMCA, not sure whether to exercise in the pool, or Imperio some Muggles to steal him a Ferrari. pexels-photo.jpg

Harry made up his mind quickly, and jogged into the Y. He ran past the reception desk, without paying for a membership, and ran smack into a old lady walking a cat on a leash. The old lady snarled like a tiger, and sicced the pet cat on Harry, who screamed and yelled, running away with cat scratches and bites all over him. Harry could’ve easily killed the old Muggle lady, but it would be to much of a mess. And he didn’t want to end up like Voldemort. Harry opened the door to the pool, and dived right in without taking off his clothes. Then Harry suddenly remembered. He didn’t know how to swim! Harry thrashed around like a fish out of water, until the lifeguard, who was busy texting on her phone, finally realized that Harry was drowning. “Help me, you idiotic Muggle girl!” Harry shrieked. The girl dove into the water, and threw Harry a swimming noodle, which Harry promptly swallowed whole. It kept him afloat though, and Harry was able to swim to the side of the pool and get out, taking off his clothes, The lifeguard walked back to the highchair, muttering under her breath, and Harry jumped back into the pool, the swimming noodle in his stomach keeping Harry afloat. Harry tried to dive underwater, but it was no use. Just then, the receptionist, followed by the old lady that Harry had knocked over, burst into the pool room. The old lady hollered like those mountain people trying to knock over snow, and jumped into the pool. “You remember me, Harry Potter?” The “old” lady took off her mask, and revealed Voldemort face! Harry gulped as Voldemort took off the disguise. “I’m tired of you Potter running away like a coward each time I come for you,” Voldemort explained. Harry took out his wand, and stuck it into Voldemort’s eye, and a slimy black eyeball popped out, sinking to the bottom of the pool. Voldemort screamed in agony, and lunged at Harry, but Harry was ready, and used his wand to Imperio Voldemort. Volemort started to dance around, doing the chicken dance and making rooster noises. Harry laughed, and then pointed his wand at Voldemort, said “Avada Kedavra” and killed You-Know-You. Then Harry went to jail.

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Comedy, Harry Potter, Humor, Nonsense Stories, Parody, Violence, Writing Practice

Potter the Criminal

Harry slipped on his ski mask. Steam clouded up his glasses, so he took them off and threw them off into the dark night, where they clattered and scared off a cat. Harry grinned. It was time to rob the bank. Harry groped around on the concrete floor, and grabbed his invisibility coat. At least, that’s what Harry thought it was. Potter had accidentally gotten a blanket! Harry calmly walked into the bank. It was about to close. Harry Potter opened the bank door, and immediately saw a gumball machine. “Gum!” He jumped about. Harry shoved his hand in his pocket, pulling out a penny, a ball of lint, and a toothbrush, but no quarter. “Arg!” Harry shouted, angry at the world, and ran at the gumball machine, and slammed into it at full speed, knocking the breath out of him. But the gumball machine still stood.

Harry groaned, and held his belly. He opened the metal flap, and a single gumball dropped into his hand. Harry giggled with glee, and popped it in his mouth, chewing with gusto. Then Harry walked into the next set of doors, and ran right into a nervous bank teller, who was eating a cold bar of chocolate. “Hello, lady,” Harry said with a deep voice. “Its a ghost! Run for your lives!” The lady shrieked, and bolted out the door, struggling to stay upright, thanks to her high-heel shoes. Harry took out his wand, and carefully walked into the bank vault. A huge metal door stood in Harry’s way. “Curse that metal door!” He shouted. Then Harry raised his wand, and waved it at the door. “Wingardium Leviousus!” He bellowed. The door creaked and groaned, and with a cracking sound, it rose into the air, hovered over Harry’s head, and dropped.

Right on top of Harry.

So much for trying to steal a million dollars. By the way, the bank vault was empty. Another criminal had stolen the money.

lol

Harry Potter, Nonsense Stories, Violence, Writing Practice

Harry Potter in 2018 (At Walmart)

Harry Potter slipped on some cool sunglasses as he walked into Walmart. The sunglasses were so tinted that he walked into those things that beep whenever you try to pass them without buying whatever your holding. Harry Potter took off the sunglasses, and walked right into someone texting on their phone. “Watch it, Muggle!” He shouted. The Muggle jumped, and dropped her phone. Harry shook his head. He had bumped into five of those Muggle’s already. They were getting really annoying.  Some security guards rushed over to the scene, where the Muggle girl was sobbing on the floor, crying over her broken metal handheld device that lit up like a flashlight. There was a video of a cat playing chopsticks on it.  “Is there a problem here?” One guard asked. Harry rushed off to the frozen aisle section before the guard could ask him another question. In the frozen aisle, Harry opened a fridge, and shuddered as cold air hit him right in the face. “Arg! Its cold in here!” He yelled. Harry jumped right into the freezer, and got even more cold. “Yow!” He shrieked.

After a couple of minutes, guards had noticed that Harry was stuck in the freezer, and they had helped him out. Then Harry had grabbed a cartoon of eggs, and dropped them on his feet. “LOL!” a kid passing by had seen the scene. “LOL your face, MUGGLE!” Harry growled angrily, rushing forward and using his wand to poke the kid in the eyes. Two eyeballs popped out, and the mother who was holding the kid’s hand screamed and slapped Harry so hard, he went flying backwards. Harry blubbered angrily, and replaced the kid’s eyeballs. Harry then skipped over to the TV aisle, where Living Dead was playing. Harry screamed as he saw a zombie crawling toward him slowly. “Its ALIVE!” Harry shrieked so loud, the glass broke on the television, and sprayed all over him. Harry ran to another aisle before the security guards even got to the TV aisle. Harry was lost in Walmart. He decided to keep on walking toward these tanks of water that had orange things in them. When he got there, Harry screamed again, punched the glass, and screamed again when the glass broke on his hand and water poured out, along with a couple pounds of goldfish. Security guards closed in, arrested him, and Harry was sent to a mental facility.

 

To be continued. . .

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Inky Bum

Inky Bum was a homey-cat from the streets. Literally. She lived on the streets like a bum, and wore clothes like one too. Literally. She lived on the streets like a bum, and wore clothes like one too. Every day, Inky Bum would wake up from her bed on the rooftop of a McDonald’s fast food restaurant, and before it opened, she would sneak down its chimney like exhaust pipe for the deep fryer, and steal a huge great big bucket of still warm fries, and couple of strawberry milk shakes, and ten Fillet O’ Fishes, because Inky Bum’s actually a cat. Not even the security cameras would notice a small black Bum of a cat sneaking around stealing food. After that, Inky Bum would walk out the front door, triggering an alarm. Inky would sprint away, probably into a empty house, and eat her fill, feeding the rest of the fries and Fish Fillet’s to her bird friends, Bob and Joe, enormous pigeons that played as extras in West Side Story. After Bob and Joe had finished eating Inky’s leftovers, they would walk/fly over to Burger King for lunch. It was still five in the morning, so none of the stores were open. Inky would have Bob and Joe grab her, and fly her up to the roof of burger king, and Inky would shimmy down the fryer exhaust pipe, steal a bunch of two layer burgers, more fries, and some extra stuff for Bob and Joe. Then she would walk out the front door, and Bob and Joe would fly Inky Bum away. After they had finished eating, Bob and Joe would fly Inky to Rally’s, famous for their awesome french fries. Inky would steal three buckets of fries, walk out the front door, and Bob and Joe would fly her away. At the end of the day, they were full like a water balloon. Bob and Joe would fly away to their shack outside a meat packing building, and Inky would finish off the rest of her french fries, leaving some for a midnight snack.

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Agent Inks

Agent Inks lurked in the dark, waiting for the cat fish smugglers to show up in the damp and dirty alleyway. Suddenly, two figures emerged from the darkness. One was limped  slightly, and the other one had a huge grocery cart that seemed to be filled to the brim with water. There was something splashing around in it.

Inky grinned, and switched on her recorder and camera, and started recording the scene. “So you have the fish?” asked the figure with the slight limp. “You bet,” replied the other shadow. Mr. Limp handed Mr. Grocery Cart a handful of cash, about a hundred dollars. Mr. Grocery Cart took the money, counted it, and threw it too the ground. “I asked for three thousand dollars.” he growled.”Well, your not getting it,” said Mr. Limp. Suddenly, they broke out into a fist fight. Immediately, spotlights shone from the rooftops onto the fish smugglers. They were caught. Agents from all sides surrounded the evil smugglers, and arrested them. The cat fish went back to the fish refinery they were stolen from. Agent Inks was paid 15,203 dollars for her contribution, and she spent about half of it on black sunglasses, some iced coffee, and doughnuts (a lot of doughnuts).

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A Cat named Dog

There once lived a cat named Dog. Dog was a cat, even though his name was Dog. Dog was always teased by the cats and dogs in the neighborhood, because he was a cat and his name was Dog. Dog was a black cat with grey stripes all over. He looked very much like a cat, despite his name. One day, Dog was strolling around the neighborhood when he spotted two other cats trying to catch a mouse. They were the two bullies that had always bothered Dog, even though he did nothing to bother them. Dog quickly ducked into a dark alley-way where the cats couldn’t bother him. Something wet dripped onto Dog’s neck. ‘Yuck’ thought Dog. He shook his fur to try to get it out. Then, another drop of something wet plopped onto his nose. Dog shook his head trying to get it off, and looked up to see what was dripping. About five feet tall loomed a humongous bull-dog, which was slobbering on the floor. It was staring right at Dog, probably imagining him as a nice meal. Dog cowered in fear, and looked for a way to escape. The entrance to the alley-way was almost ten feet away. He wouldn’t make it in time. The bull-dog growled, sensing Dog’s fear. Then the bull-dog took a step forward. Dog bolted toward the entrance, faster than a speeding bullet, but slower than the speed of sound. The bull-dog bolted forward too, but like a turtle compared to Dog’s speed. Dog escaped, almost with his life.

The very next day, Dog was trying to catch a mouse when suddenly, a group of cats surrounded Dog. Dog looked up, and saw the leader of the gang step forward. “Hey Doggy Cat,” He said. Dog didn’t even care what they called him. The mean cat snatched the mouse that Dog had caught, and chomped it down. Dog’s stomach growled, and so did he. When Dog got angry, you did NOT want to be around him. The gang of cat bullies shrank in fear as Dog transformed into a gigantic green human. Dog was almost ten feet tall, and could easy kill all of the cats. Dog stepped forward, and the ground cracked as Dog’s foot embedded itself in the pavement. The cats scattered, all except for the leader of them all, Rippy. Rippy was frozen in fear, like a statue. Dog ripped off a lamppole which made creaking sounds, hurled Rippy into the air, and swung the pole as hard as he could. Rippy was hit so hard and fast, he broke the sound barrier. Rippy wailed and cried as he was hurtling into space. He was never seen again. Dog giggled to himself, and shrunk back into his normal body, a Cat named Dog. Dog ruled the alley-ways from then on, and if he was ever hungry, he would order his Cat Servants to fetch him a mouse or two, with some snake smoothie. He was the King-of the-Alley.

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New iMac!

My iMac was running so slow, I couldn’t even open Firefox without having to restart the computadora. I went on eBay and sought out a new or used iMac that had 4 GB or more of RAM, and was less than three-hundred dollars. And presto! There was a used iMac 2011, for 250 dollars! I asked my dad if I could buy it, and he said wait a day to think about it. After 24 hours passed, I transferred 250 dollars into his account. Then I ordered it.

Two days later, a humongous packaged came in the mail. I knew it was the iMac because it was tall, wide, and thin. (At least the package was). I excitedly opened it, and set up the iMac. It was wayyyy wider than my old 2007 version, and had 500 GB of storage space and had 4 memory slots. I booted it up, typed in the password, which was 4321 backwards, and horayy! I had a new iMac! 😀

I sold the my old iMac to my brother himi, after I had taken all my files off of it. Then I got to work installing Adobe Creative Cloud and Adobe Animate. I also downloaded GarageBand, Firefox, and adBlocker. It was so fast, I could open a program in less than a second! There is also more awesome news! Almost two months ago, I had gotten invited to the Kentucky Book Fair! I would be able to sell all of my books, and if I sold all of them, I calculated that I would make about 800 dollars :O And that was only if I sold forty of each book. If I sold eighty of each book, I would make 1600 dollars. (Each book cost ten dollars). There was also free lunch, and a kids day where I would sign books and meet school groups. I shudder at the thought. Also, I made an account on soundcloud! The link: https://soundcloud.com/jackson-academy  . I will still be able to buy the Phantom 3 Drone, if I make 250 more dollars. I spent some of my money on the newly refurbished iMac. Today, if I finished my school-work before nine-oclock, I get to go with my mom to the airport, and fly with her in the airplane! That’s not that hard to do if I wake up early enough and start my work.

So, the end for now

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The Defenders

The all powerful master ninja has chosen you, and only you to guard the sacred sword of  ninjas at night. After everyone had gone to bed, you flop onto the uncomfortable wooden bench, and eat some ninja-noodles, a rip off of ramen noodles. They tasted good, but made you thirsty. Unfortunately, the nearest water-fountain in about twenty steps away. If your gone, the evil ninja could steal it while your away! But you get thirstier, so you race to the water-fountain, drink a gallon, run back, and find that the evil red ninja are in the act of stealing the sword! You act fast, throwing a couple of ninja stars at the ninjas. They go down, groaning and hacking, and you defeat the last of the ninjas. You retrieve the sword from an unconscious ninja who is groaning a moaning like a dying goat, and place it back in its rightful place in the light of the moon, on top of the granite pedestal. Suddenly, waves of evil ninjas stream from no where and try to snatch the sword, but you jump, hurl a bunch of ninja stars, and watch as twenty seven ninjas go down without a fight. You have to protect the sword at all costs. You eliminate all of the ninjas, and then the sun comes out! You are finished protecting the sword, and now its time for breakfast! After class you tell all of your ninja friends how you defeated one hundred sixty seven ninjas trying to steal the sword. They crowd around you and ask about each ninja you rendered unconscious. “If you don’t believe me, then go look in the courtyard!” you say. Ninja rush into the courtyard, trampling a couple poor janitors in the rush. They all run outside, and gasp at the pile of still unconscious evil ninjas. You become famous.

Play the game here!

Instructions:

Arrow keys to move, space to shoot ninja stars. Don’t touch or let the evil ninjas

take the sword!

//scratch.mit.edu/projects/embed/177711575/?autostart=false

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Attack of the Savage Siri

Siri was mad. Her loyal servants had betrayed her, hacking into her band account and taking all of her money from her savings account, which was exactly five dollars and fifty-six cents. At least it wasn’t a million. Siri just happened to be in a “We Rent Assassins” store. She was trying to rent some assassins to murder her servants, since they went evil. “Kevin Bobby Root” Siri scrawled in nasty hand-writing in the box that you put the name of your victims inside. In the next page, she wrote the name of her doctor, her librarian, and her other servant, Retell Doat Evans. She gave the stapled together pages to Nobby, an assassin that had murdered about fifty people. “When will they be assassinated?” she asked. Nobby answered. “Oh, they won’t be murdered, you have to pay first,” Siri’s eyes popped out. Almost literally. Her head turned red. “YOU WILL MURDER THEM NOW OR NEVER!” she screamed, breaking glass windows and doors. Nobby didn’t even look afraid. “I’m afraid I’ll have to choose never,” Siri’s forehead turned deep purple. She looked like an eggplant about to burst. She jumped on the counter, unsheathed her fearsome five-inch-long nails, sharpened sharper than a pencil, and stabbed them into Nobby, who screamed like a bag of cats getting sacked with a baseball bat. Siri yanked out her nails from Nobby’s thigh, and blood spurted all over the floor. Security was alerted, but Siri just stabbed her nails into them again and again, until some guards were completely still. Should’ve put a PG-13 warning on here >:D. Siri was completely savage now, like a  cornered jungle animal. She escaped from the store crawling like a crab, stabbing anyone who laughed at her blood stained teeth, and her long nails encrusted with blood. Siri crawled back to her house, but found it in flames. Kevin Bobby Root had probably did the deed himself. Siri howled in outrage, and leaped into the flames, which didn’t even burn her clothes. Even the flames were frightened of Siri. Siri spotted Kevin with a flame thrower burning her laundry, and she sped toward him, and pierced his stomach with her nails, and bit his fingers off, literally. Kevin died a horrid death. And Siri was happy.

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Emperor Sasha visits Canada | Winter Edition

Emperor Sasha was back to business. Ever since she had gotten “adopted” by humans in America, Sasha never wanted to go there again. Just thinking about it sent shivers through her spine. Luckily, when Sasha had crash-landed, her butlers and servants had immediately tracked her flying car to the U.S.A, and followed her. They rescued her just as the human was about to feed her cat food, something that was forbidden by the Council of the Cats, a group of potbellied felines that did nothing all day but make rules. Now Sasha was trying to find her way back to Cat Country. But she was headed the wrong direction. Sasha was flying over Canada when suddenly, one of her engines went out. Her escort couldn’t even see as Sasha disappeared into thick, wet, cold cloud. Sasha groaned. A snowy city came into view, Sasha looked at her still-working GPS. It was flashing a light over a city named ‘Toronto” which was supposedly the “biggest city in Canada”. At least that’s was the GPS said. Maybe it was lying. Sasha grudgingly pulled pressed the parachute button, but instead of a parachute, a grand piano appeared! Sasha yelled and screamed as she plummeted to the ground. Seconds from hitting the ground, the cord connecting her to the “parachute” was cut, and Sasha landed in the five foot deep snow.

Sasha sunk about three feet into the snow before she stopped. Sasha crawled back up to the surface, and just then, the grand piano hit the brick road, making a huge explosion sound, and piano keys and strings flew everywhere. Foot traffic moved away from the wreck of piano, and a police officer sped to the piano scene. Then Sasha’s flying car landed right on top of the officer, knocking him out cold, and scaring everyone away from the road. “Aliens are invading!” screamed one homeless person. The crowd gasped, and screamed, running away. Sasha mourned the loss of her beloved flying car. It had served her well. People started calling 911, and screaming “Aliens are invading!” It was a full-scale ruckus. Just then, another flying car dropped out of the sky was smashed a car flat! Meow Meow crawled out of the flying car, covered in water and snow. People screamed and yelled even more, and fled. Meow Meow hobbled over to Sasha, and said, “Well, now we are here stranded for good,” Sasha moaned. Her crown was gone, now she was stranded in Canada? What else wrong could happen? Suddenly, a huge UFO hovered above a crossing bridge, with its blinking lights. Meow Meow and Sasha both gasped in fright, and hobbled away from the road. Sasha looked back, and saw that aliens were crawling out of the Flying Object! It was the rest of her cat gang! Sasha cried in glee, and ran back to the UFO, hugging everyone and padding inside. Meow Meow crawled in, and immediately, the UFO rose in the air, and sped off toward Cat Country.

The-End