Gru goes to jail

Gru was a grumpy old man. Ever since his heist at trying to steal the worlds biggest crystal, he had been serving his time in jail. And the sad part was, Gru never got the change to steal the diamond; the police knew what he was up to and met him at the bank, guarding the safeguard that contained a 3.6 million diamond. He had been escorted to jail, where he had his trail in six weeks. And now, he was cell-mates with a top-notch serial killer, who killed three butterflies, six worms, and eleven ants. Gru asked him how he had gotten in jail, and the seven year old replied that his “wooden bat had accidentely slipped out of his hand and hit the police man in the head”.

It didn’t sound like much of an accident to Gru. He told the boy he had tried to steal a 3.5 million dollar diamond, and then he ended up here. Then Gru burst into tears, bluberring about how he needed the diamond to support his family who supposedly lived on the street, and how he wanted to become a lawyer when he grew up. Gru was still blubbering about his poor family, when a guard walked in to the cell. Luckily, Seven Year Old had his wooden bat confiscated, or he would have killed the guards. One of the guards escorted Seven Year Old to the cafeteria, and the other one led Gru to the office where his lawyer waited. They talked about stuff. Ask Gru what they talked about, not me. I not in jail. After about an hour, Gru got up for lunch, ate a moldy bologna sandwhich, drank a cup of hot orange juice, and read a couple of newspapers. Then he went back to his jail cell, where Seven Year Old was hogging up the bunk-beds. There was a loud snoring sound coming from under the blanket. Gru guessed that Seven Year Old was taking a nap. Gru washed his face, and finished reading the magazine he had stolen from the magazine stand inside the jail. Then he woke up Seven Year Old and took the top bunk. Later that night, Gru heard a rumbling outside his jail-cell. He slid the blanket off and jumped down from the top bunk. Gru looked through the bars, an grinned as Bob, the yellow minion with one eye slipped out of the air vent. Bob grinned, and cheered, and his other freind, Mart, a purple crazed minion unlocked the door. Gru slipped out of the jailcell, but hesitated when he thought of Seven Year Old. Just then, Bob   jumped and down, and pointed down the hall. He looked very frightened. Gru heard distant footsteps. The Guards! They patrolled the hallway to make sure that no minions let out people from jailcells. Gru made up his mind, grabbed Seven Year Old, and escaped from the cell. They drove to Gru’s house in his rocket car, and had a party celebrating Gru’s escape from prison. And they lived happily ever after.

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Attack of the Savage Siri

Siri was mad. Her loyal servants had betrayed her, hacking into her band account and taking all of her money from her savings account, which was exactly five dollars and fifty-six cents. At least it wasn’t a million. Siri just happened to be in a “We Rent Assassins” store. She was trying to rent some assassins to murder her servants, since they went evil. “Kevin Bobby Root” Siri scrawled in nasty hand-writing in the box that you put the name of your victims inside. In the next page, she wrote the name of her doctor, her librarian, and her other servant, Retell Doat Evans. She gave the stapled together pages to Nobby, an assassin that had murdered about fifty people. “When will they be assassinated?” she asked. Nobby answered. “Oh, they won’t be murdered, you have to pay first,” Siri’s eyes popped out. Almost literally. Her head turned red. “YOU WILL MURDER THEM NOW OR NEVER!” she screamed, breaking glass windows and doors. Nobby didn’t even look afraid. “I’m afraid I’ll have to choose never,” Siri’s forehead turned deep purple. She looked like an eggplant about to burst. She jumped on the counter, unsheathed her fearsome five-inch-long nails, sharpened sharper than a pencil, and stabbed them into Nobby, who screamed like a bag of cats getting sacked with a baseball bat. Siri yanked out her nails from Nobby’s thigh, and blood spurted all over the floor. Security was alerted, but Siri just stabbed her nails into them again and again, until some guards were completely still. Should’ve put a PG-13 warning on here >:D. Siri was completely savage now, like a  cornered jungle animal. She escaped from the store crawling like a crab, stabbing anyone who laughed at her blood stained teeth, and her long nails encrusted with blood. Siri crawled back to her house, but found it in flames. Kevin Bobby Root had probably did the deed himself. Siri howled in outrage, and leaped into the flames, which didn’t even burn her clothes. Even the flames were frightened of Siri. Siri spotted Kevin with a flame thrower burning her laundry, and she sped toward him, and pierced his stomach with her nails, and bit his fingers off, literally. Kevin died a horrid death. And Siri was happy.

Emperor Sasha visits Canada | Winter Edition

Emperor Sasha was back to business. Ever since she had gotten “adopted” by humans in America, Sasha never wanted to go there again. Just thinking about it sent shivers through her spine. Luckily, when Sasha had crash-landed, her butlers and servants had immediately tracked her flying car to the U.S.A, and followed her. They rescued her just as the human was about to feed her cat food, something that was forbidden by the Council of the Cats, a group of potbellied felines that did nothing all day but make rules. Now Sasha was trying to find her way back to Cat Country. But she was headed the wrong direction. Sasha was flying over Canada when suddenly, one of her engines went out. Her escort couldn’t even see as Sasha disappeared into thick, wet, cold cloud. Sasha groaned. A snowy city came into view, Sasha looked at her still-working GPS. It was flashing a light over a city named ‘Toronto” which was supposedly the “biggest city in Canada”. At least that’s was the GPS said. Maybe it was lying. Sasha grudgingly pulled pressed the parachute button, but instead of a parachute, a grand piano appeared! Sasha yelled and screamed as she plummeted to the ground. Seconds from hitting the ground, the cord connecting her to the “parachute” was cut, and Sasha landed in the five foot deep snow.

Sasha sunk about three feet into the snow before she stopped. Sasha crawled back up to the surface, and just then, the grand piano hit the brick road, making a huge explosion sound, and piano keys and strings flew everywhere. Foot traffic moved away from the wreck of piano, and a police officer sped to the piano scene. Then Sasha’s flying car landed right on top of the officer, knocking him out cold, and scaring everyone away from the road. “Aliens are invading!” screamed one homeless person. The crowd gasped, and screamed, running away. Sasha mourned the loss of her beloved flying car. It had served her well. People started calling 911, and screaming “Aliens are invading!” It was a full-scale ruckus. Just then, another flying car dropped out of the sky was smashed a car flat! Meow Meow crawled out of the flying car, covered in water and snow. People screamed and yelled even more, and fled. Meow Meow hobbled over to Sasha, and said, “Well, now we are here stranded for good,” Sasha moaned. Her crown was gone, now she was stranded in Canada? What else wrong could happen? Suddenly, a huge UFO hovered above a crossing bridge, with its blinking lights. Meow Meow and Sasha both gasped in fright, and hobbled away from the road. Sasha looked back, and saw that aliens were crawling out of the Flying Object! It was the rest of her cat gang! Sasha cried in glee, and ran back to the UFO, hugging everyone and padding inside. Meow Meow crawled in, and immediately, the UFO rose in the air, and sped off toward Cat Country.

The-End

Emperor Sasha visits America

Emperor Sasha was bored. She had nothing to do, all because M&M had accidentally thrown away her phone, thinking it was a piece of garbage. Sasha jumped out of her throne and into her air-car. She pressed the “NITRO” button and pressed the gas pedal. The car shot forward, and Sasha was pressed into her seat so hard that her ribs almost cracked. The car sped out of Cat Country and into North America. Suddenly, the car jerked and bucked like a wild horse. The gas had ran out! No wonder! It had traveled halfway across the earth. Sasha press the eject button, and the seat sprung into the air. Sasha screamed in excitment and she hurdled toward the ground. She pulled the parachute trigger, and the seat fell off, a parachute taking its place. Out of the clouds, a small neighborhood came into view. She was about to make a hole in a house’s roof! Sasha jumped out of the parachute, which wasn’t working, and landed like a feather of the street. She was hungry, and had no place to go. She was stranded. In the U.S.A. Sasha adjusted her crown on her head, and walked into the nearest house, the one she had almost made a hole in. Luckily, there was a cat door installed in the regular door, or Sasha would have had to kick it down, costing the owners of the house. She walked through the door, and immediately strutted to the kitchen, as if she owned the whole house. In the kitchen, she jumped on top of the counter, and spotted a bowl of raw chicken! All for her. Sasha ran to the bowl, and sniffed. Yuck! It smelled like vinegar. That’s probably what it was soaking in. Sasha opened the fridge, and pulled out her favorite food, cornbread. She smeared butter on it, and chomped down. Mmmmm. Suddenly, the ground shook and an actual human being stomped into the kitchen! Human beings were considered a fatal threat to Felines, and that’s why Sasha had founded a colony in a separate country from them. The human looked at Sasha eating the cornbread, and the butter spilled all over the floor with the fridge door open, and cooed like a dove. It scooped up Sasha, and threw the crown in the trash. Sasha gasped, and tried to grab it, but it was too late. Her crown was gone, all thanks to a human. The human fed her cat food, and she was spoiled like a cat. She lived there the rest of her live.

Homey’s vs. Hoodlums

In the dark, wet city of Matenhym, there lived a gang of Homey’s named the “Aiedle”. Only fifteen Homey’s joined the gang, because the other thirty were to scared to join. The member had to cut off one of their fingers and eat it, with hot sauce. The bones would then be taped to the member’s head.

In the shiny dry city of Hoodlumville, a city named by the gang the “Hoodlums”. They were kind and nice, cleaning up after dogs, and helping old ladies cross the street. They also volunteered for trash duty, where they had to jump on a garbage truck and dump trash into a garbage truck. Their worst enemy was the “Aiedle” gang, because they lived in trash cans, inhabited by raccoons and other weird animals.

One day the Hoodlums will meet the Aidle gang in battle, and start killing each other for dominance of the world. Which one will win? Post your thoughts in the comments!

 

The Starving Games

Chapter One

 

The Starving Games in pretty simple. Twelve people are dropped in a Candy-land, where everything is made out of food. You cannot eat, except in the morning and evening time, and have to try to last where everything is made out of candy, and try not to get fat, or over 150 pounds on the scale, which are everywhere. You have ever person who gains over 150 pounds is automatically disqualified. You have to last four weeks on that, or until a person finds the way out of the Candy-land, (There is a way) eating only in the morning and evening.

The Starving Games has only been going on for about two decades, but people are already afraid of losing. The person who is disqualified has to get his city to pay the owners of the Candy-land 1.5 million dollars, and the only cities who haven’t lost in the history of the Candy-land, are the Utopia, the richest city, Moguter, one of the middle class cities, and Qoue, the poorest. Don’t they have very weird names? Well I think so too. This year, I was chosen to play in the Starving Games, or as my city calls it, Death by starving surrounded by food. My home was in the city of Moguter, the middle class city. It was a red brick house, but was very large, because it used to be where a small rebellion used to meet back in the 2000’s. It is now 4056, and scientists have figured out how to construct flying cars, an unlimited source of fuel that doesn’t do one drop of pollution to the world, and breathable water. Inside the Candy-land, there is breathable water, but only in the middle. But the only problem is that there are candy killer whales, which will eat you, (not really) and you will be disqualified. The Starving Games begin in less than a week, so I have to be very prepared and fly the long five day journey to the Candy-land, where me and the other twelve people will be briefed, and then trapped in the Candy-land for four weeks. My hope is that I can find the exit to the Candy-land, so I can end the Starving Games earlier than supposed, and go back to my house. I inserted a fuel nugget in the airplane, which would last about a year, and took out the old one, which had been used for almost five years, proof that the fuel could last longer than a year. I got in the flying car, waved good-bye to my family, and took off out of the garage. Wind blew my hair in directions that even I didn’t know, as I ascended to the proper altitude, about two miles above the atmosphere, and started the long journey. I turned on the oldies, Taylor Swift and that stuff, and flew forward, going about mach 75. I was only five miles of my five-hundred miles that I still had left. I hoped I could get there in time.

 

The End of Chapter One.

How Yllus the king ruled the world

There once lived an almighty king named Yllus, which is Sully backwards. He ruled the whole world, which was a very excruciating job. He had to make sure that U.S.A was not trying to steal any land from Canada, and that Africa was not trying to take over Mexico, and so on. Yllus had an army of five-hundred cats, each which razor sharp claws and titanium armor. If a country refused to listen to Yllus, and challenged him to a war, Yllus would simply command his cats to attack the country, but Yllus was merciful. He didn’t kill people. The cats would just order the country up, and the president of that country would be so scared, he would forget his/her anger and back down. Then Yllus would call his cats back. It was the year 5067, and humans were just starting to make colonies on Pluto. Year by year, the humans conquered each planet. The moon was first, since it was so close to the earth. Then Mars, then Neptune, then Uranus, etc. Humans had even started to live on the sun! It may seem all science fiction, but Yllus had used several heat resistant glass sheets, which were about a half mile thick, and placed it over the sun. The glass was resistant to all heat, including the sun. Now the sun had a glass covering over it, which wasn’t even hot, since the glass was half a mile thick. It actually felt cold under the people’s feet. Everything on the sun was made out of glass, so the houses couldn’t block out any light from the sun, and make earth go dark. The glass also had a specially made tint, to make the rays of the sun darker, so it couldn’t blind people. But that had gone wrong, and people just had to wear sun-glass contacts, which were sunglasses simplified into contact lenses. Yllus wanted to live on the moon, but he couldn’t, because King Yllus ruled earth. So some scientists just captured a couple gallons of moon air and put it in a special space, so air wasn’t allowed in. The moon air was released into the room, and King Yllus could actually float in the moon air, but with a special helmet of course, so Yllus could float. Yllus treasured his “moon-air-room” he called it, which he bought for a hundred thousand dollars. In his free time, Yllus would practice doing back-flips and programming in there. King Yllus was thirteen years old, super young to be the king of the world, but no one challenged him, because he was the King. The FAA had also made a rule that only applied to him, that he had a private pilot license, even though you had to wait to be fifteen for that. King Yllus knew how to fly. He could fly a Boeing 747, an Falcon fighter-jet, a Cessna, a Airbus 380, anything.

 

The Great Fight

Its Ramadan. Every Saturday, we (me and my family) go to the local masjid, to break our fast, and to eat dinner and pray Magrib. After dinner, my two brothers and I walk over to the musaluh, so we can fight the “Duh duh heads” I call them. There are four boys, which names all start with an ‘A’. Their names are:

Adnan (The soccer dude who teams up with Audil, the chum-bucket)

Arif (The sometimes-peaceful-crazy-lunatic)

Afif (The phone crazy duh duh head)

Audil (The chum-bucket)

Crazy? But they are all brothers! Adnan is Afif’s brother, and Arif is Audil’s brother. Sometimes, we play dodge-ball with them. There is another family with three boys that usually come over, and they are super-fair, but I don’t know why they don’t come, since its way more fun to play dodge-ball with them. Last time I went to the masjid, they beat me up, and broke the frame of my glasses, and I had to get new ones. I had to beat them up badly, so I could get revenge for them breaking my glasses, but I have to wait until every Saturday, because that’s when the masjid has Iftar. On Eid, they give out toys or games to the kids, but the older kids get gift-cards. I hope I get a gift-card or like three-hundred dollars. I need the money to save up for my quad-copter! Well, I really hope I get revenge. I’ll probably smash their heads in, enough to make them stay away from me. Just joking!

The raid of the fierce 1$’s

Hey, don’t stop reading this! This blog may sound real funny, but it is NOT. This should have happened to one person or another in their lifetime, including poor me. So I was outside, selling The Incredible Veggie-boys, and The Witch’s Curse. I wrote and published those two books by the way. I was saving up for a Phantom Standard 3, which was 518$, including the protection plan (I really needed that). I already had 146 phmhm! Suddenly, something jumped off of my table and onto me! It landed on my nose, and I had to go cross-eyed to see what it was. I strained to see, but I only saw a one dollar bill! I was really surprised. A one dollar bill? Suddenly, it sprouted arms and legs and started rummaging in my breast pocket! I had about a hundred dollars in there! The one dollar bill started stealing it! I was too shocked to even move! Then, after the one dollar bill had stole all of my hard earned money, it jumped off of me, and started running across the table. It was trying to get away! I had to stop it! The dollar bill dumped the dollar bills I earned in the grass, where they suddenly started forming into people! Sort of like origami. Then, they started separating into small groups, and ran into my house! I had left about a THOUSAND dollars of my saving’s account! They to formed into raiding parties, and ran out of my house. I knew that the evil guys would rule the world! They would contained every single dollar bill of the world in their group.

Weird / Nasty Facts:

1. The longest time between two twins being born is 87 days.

2. The world’s deepest postbox is in Susami Bay in Japan. It’s 10 meters underwater.

3. In 2007, an American man named Corey Taylor tried to fake his own death in order to get out of his cell phone contract without paying a fee. It didn’t work.

4. The oldest condoms ever found date back to the 1640s (they were found in a cesspit at Dudley Castle), and were made from animal and fish intestines.

5. In 1923, jockey Frank Hayes won a race at Belmont Park in New York despite being dead — he suffered a heart attack mid-race, but his body stayed in the saddle until his horse crossed the line for a 20–1 outsider victory.

6. Everyone has a unique tongue print, just like fingerprints.

7. Most Muppets are left-handed. (Because most Muppeteers are right-handed, so they operate the head with their favored hand.)

8. It costs the U.S. Mint almost twice as much to mint each penny and nickel as the coins are actually worth. Taxpayers lost over $100 million in 2013 just through the coins being made.

9. Light doesn’t necessarily travel at the speed of light. The slowest light ever recorded was moving at is 38 mph.

10. Casu marzu is a Sardinian cheese that contains live maggots. The maggots can jump up to five inches out of cheese while you’re eating it, so it’s a good idea to shield it with your hand to stop them jumping into your eyes.

11. The loneliest creature on Earth is a whale who has been calling out for a mate for over two decades — but whose high-pitched voice is so different to other whales that they never respond.

13. The spikes on the end of a stegosaurus’ tail are known among paleontologists as the “thagomizer” — a term coined by cartoonist Gary Larson in a 1982 Far Side drawing.

14. During World War II, the crew of the British submarine HMS Trident kept a fully grown reindeer called Pollyanna aboard their vessel for six weeks (it was a gift from the Russians).

15. The northern leopard frog swallows its prey using its eyes — it uses them to help push food down its throat by retracting them into its head.

16. The first man to urinate on the moon was Buzz Aldrin, shortly after stepping onto the lunar surface.

17. In 1567, the man said to have the longest beard in the world died after he tripped over his beard running away from a fire.

18. The Dance Fever of 1518 was a month-long plague of inexplicable dancing in Strasbourg, in which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no apparent reason. Several of them danced themselves to death.

19. Vladimir Nabokov nearly invented the smiley.

20. In 1993, San Francisco held a referendum over whether a police officer called Bob Geary was allowed to patrol while carrying a ventriloquist’s dummy called Brendan O’Smarty. He was allowed.

21. Sigurd the Mighty, a ninth-century Norse earl of Orkney, was killed by an enemy he had beheaded several hours earlier. He’d tied the man’s head to his horse’s saddle, but while riding home one of its protruding teeth grazed his leg. He died from the infection.

22. The Dutch village of Giethoorn has no roads; its buildings are connected entirely by canals and footbridges.

23. A family of people with blue skin lived in Kentucky for many generations. The Fulgates of Troublesome Creek are thought to have gained their blue skin through combination of inbreeding and a rare genetic condition known as methemoglobinemia.

24. Powerful earthquakes can permanently shorten the length of Earth’s day, by moving the spin of the Earth’s axis. The 2011 Japan earthquake knocked 1.8 microseconds off our days. The 2004 Sumatra quake cost us around 6.8 microseconds.

25. The first American film to show a toilet being flushed on screen was Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho.

26. Melting glaciers and icebergs make a distinctive fizzing noise known as “bergy seltzer”.

27. There is a glacier called “Blood Falls” in Antarctica that regularly pours out red liquid, making it look like the ice is bleeding. (It’s actually oxidized salty water.)

28. In 2008 scientists discovered a new species of bacteria that lives in hairspray.

29. The top of the Eiffel Tower leans away from the sun, as the metal facing the sun heats up and expands. It can move as much as 7 inches.

30. You SHALL follow me!

 

fin