Billa the Bum

There once lived a fat, grumpy old dude named Billa. He was about fourteen years old, but he didn’t know how to read or write, much less speak like a proper human being. One time Billa went to the store to buy some pig stomachs. Billa liked to deep-fry them and stuff the disgusting things with melting ice-cream. Billa considered it a delicacy, and when people wouldn’t eat it, Billa became offended, and the person would run for his or her life, because when Billa got mad, you didn’t want to be in the same zip-code as him. Billa lived in a shack off of Marigold street,  right under the old stop sign that had fallen over because Billa had gotten mad and yeah. Even the police were scared of Billa, and because he was so blubbery and jiggly and fat, bullets bounced off of him. He was virtually bullet-proof. The SWAT and other police forced had tried to overtake Billa, but Billa just opened his huge mouth and swallowed the poor SWAT team whole. After a while, the police had lost more than a thousand cops that died fighting Billa, and they built a unbreakable fence around where Billa lived, but Billa had just ran into the fence, and caused a riot in the streets. Eventually, the police had learned never to mess with Billa, or the results were brutal. Every time Billa walked down the street, people locked their reinforced steel doors with a couple of metal dead-locks, and crawled to higher ground. One day, Billa was walking down the deserted street, when a flaming asteroid hit Billa right in the Bum, and the asteroid bounced right off, melting some of Billa’s blubber, and propelling Billa a couple miles forward, his face digging a trench in the road. The asteroid had bounced up so violently and fast, it disappeared, and destroyed the Moon, all thanks to Billa. On the news, someone had recorded a video of that happening, and Billa expected himself to be the savoir of the world, but instead was looked upon as a blubbery old homeless person who caused the moon to explode.  “Billa you Bum!” shouted the President, as he flew over Billa in an army helicopter. The president shot a double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka at Billa, which bounced off of Billa, obliterating the street and houses around him, and destroying the helicopter which the president was in. The president died tragically, thanks to Billa. The charred bits of the helicopter slowly floated down to the ground, except the double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka. It was left unfazed. Billa grabbed it, pointed it down his gullet, and fired it. An immense fireball was formed, and before Billa could turn it around, the fireball disappeared down Billa’s throat and exploded inside of him. Billa vomited his intestines, which splattered blood on the street, and some people even recorded the destruction of Billa himself. Billa took a last breath, rasping that all he wanted was some fried pig stomach and ice-cream, and fell down, dead. People all over the world (and even the martians on the now destroyed moon) cheered, but stopped when they saw the charred bits of the president, who had “Sacrificed” himself to kill Billa. People put Billa’s intestines in a museum to honor the President, and the double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka was the most praised weapon of the century.


The End




Well, not really… 😛

When Billa had killed the President, the moon’s fragments (which were somehow magnetic) attracted each other, and Trion 69 formed, having both a magnetic core and able to sustain human beings because of the lakes and rivers that had formed when the asteroid landed on the remaining moon fragments. Billa (the bum) had created a whole new type of planet, one that people on earth could live on. He was praised (his holy dream) all around the world, and when Apollo 91 landed on Trion 69, they developed whole colonies on the strange planet, but when Aerth (Trion 69’s moon) exploded, Trion 69 was doomed.


Positive The End.

Diary of an Alien

Chapter Five




Luci was manning the controls. I had taught her the basics of controlling a submarine, and she quickly got the hang of it. So while Luci was having the fun, I was in bed sleeping.

Tiger was sleeping under my head like a really soft, really furry pillow. Just then, the whole palace jerked forward as if it had bumped into something hard. I immediately woke up and slipped into my day time clothes as fast as lightning. I jumped into my shoes and ran back to the control room. “What’s wrong?” I whirled around to find that Luci had accidently pushed the throttle to hard. Luci looked at me. “Sorry,” Luci petted Tiger, who had just padded into the room. “Okay, I’ll take over,” I told her. “Thanks!” Luci raced into her room, leaving me tired, hungry, and at the control of my palace.

“What’s for breakfast?” Luci kept on pestering me like a machine gun. “I don’t know! Why don’t you make it?!”

“Ugh fine!”

Luci stormed off. I sighed. She wanted so bad to go on land, find the King, and kill him dead. But I knew we couldn’t. It would be suicide, because the King was way stronger on land; He could kill us in a blink of an eye. I heard Luci making Prup cook breakfast. I was really hungry too, but I couldn’t leave the controls.

“Zwinky!” I shouted. Zwinky appeared right next to me. “Can you take over?”

“Yes sir Kevin!”

I loved Zwinky. He was very faithful. I left the control room in search of food. I came across the dining table, where Prup was scrambling some egg and toasting bread. “Hello,” I said. Luci came out of the cupboards, arms full of pastries, vegetables, and fruits.

“What’s for breakfast?” I asked her.


“What type? Oh never mind,” I buttered a piece of toast and chomped down. “Mmmm. It’s delicious,” Prup always cooks my meals, and even though he was supposed to be cleaning up Tiger’s mess, he made excellent food. “I hope it is! I used to be a chef, so I cook like crazy,” Luci responded. She heated up a pot of boiling water, dumped some veggies inside, and stirred. Delicious aromas started rising up from the pot. I always drooled on my plate of eggs. “Ha! I knew you were hungry! You’ll love my food!” Luci laughed like a maniac. And I finished my eggs. Luci then opened some packets of ramen noodles and stirred them into the soup. I did drool, and Luci laughed even more.

Finally, after all the torture I had endured waiting for the food to be finished, it was ready. Luci spooned us each a bowl of noodles, and I gobbled them up as fast as I possibly could. Then I fell asleep at the table. The food was that good.

Diary of an Alien

Chapter Four

I woke up in complete darkness. The only thing I remembered was that the sub had been captured by the King’s army, and I was probably back in his dungeon. I rubbed my eyes to get all of the stars out. “Hello?” My voice echoed throughout the cave like jail. I hated the King. What had I done? My hand reached into my pocket, where I found the grappling hook was still there. I smiled. This grappling hook was the only thing that I needed to escape. It had a bunch of tools that I still haven’t told you about; It’s probably too dangerous. But I’ll tell you. So the first tool was the grappling hook (duh), the second tool was the laser gun (Shoots deathly lasers), the third was the fan (If I ever got too hot in combat), the fourth was a hologram TV (Its kind of like a GPS, but its way cooler), and the fifth was a couple of super-sharp knifes that could cut through anything. You heard me. Anything.
So I slipped the nifty gadget on my wrist and turn on the flashlight. The bright blueish light illuminated the whole room. I almost jumped out of my spiked metal-toed boots! There were a couple of people laying around the whole room, and they weren’t moving. The King had done this. I just knew. I had to save them! The first person was a girl about my age (twelve) I helped her up and gave her some water. “Thank you so much,” she thanked me, and I gave her the rest of my water. I had a bunch more in my backpack. I did that to the rest of the people around, who thanked me a lot for saving their lives. I would get the King back.

            One of the men there, showed me the only secret exit, but it had been blocked off with bricks. “I can cut through it easy,” I told him. I walked over to the exit, and turned on my laser gun. I cut through the bricks like a hot knife through butter, and ushered all of the people out. Hopefully, they would escape and go back to their families.

The girl who I had saved first had no family. She was an orphan, and she wanted to help me kill the King. “Please?!” She pleaded. “Fine,” I agreed, and she followed me out of the dungeon. “By the way, what is your name?” I asked. “Oh, its Luci,”

“My name is Kevin,” I responded. “Nice meeting you here.” Luci blushed. “Hey it’s not my fault, the King is the one who jailed me for living on the street!”

“Okay fine, let’s get back to my sub,” I said. I walked down the red brick road, and Luci followed me, asking me questions about how I managed my palace and my cat Tiger and Zwinky. Luckily, when I got to the sea port, my sub was there. The King keeps all of his stolen possessions here, because he has nowhere else to keep them. I whistled twinkle twinkle little star, and the door to my sub opened. “That’s really cool!” Luci told me. It really was; the door only opens at my voice, but I can whistle too.

“Go go, get in!” I pushed Luci inside, and followed her inside. The door slowly slide shut behind us. As soon as I walked in, I saw Zwinky manning the control stick. The sub started to move and pick up speed as it sped away from the dock. “Good job Zwinky!” I patted him on the back, and introduced him to Luci. Then Tiger popped up right beside me, still wearing his helmet. “Awww! What a cute cat!” Luci purred. “Careful,” I warned. “Tiger can hear your insults,” Tiger growled, but it was only a playful one. “Come on Luci, let me show you where you are going to sleep,”

Diary of an Alien

Chapter Two

Okay, let me get started with the story. You’ve probably already read about my palace (The secret submarine), My robots Zwinky and Prup, my Toyger Tiger, my weaponry stash, my really hi-tech grappling hook, and my scuba-gear. If you’ve read the last chapter, you’ve probably heard of all that.

It was May 21, 2091. It probably seems like the distant future for you earthlings, but time passed very quickly on Trion 69. I was in my palace, neatening up my bed. I didn’t have a house in Oceanaris, because every day, fish would attack, and I would have to either retreat or fight, but it was easier to fight back, so we could have a delicious lunch. I would usually boil some Ramen Noodles for me and cook eat the fish (cooked of course) with the noodles. It was always enjoyable, and I never got bored or tired of it.

Just then, the alarm beeped. I dropped the blanket and raced into the hallway. I scrambled into my rubber shoes and helped me run faster and sped into the control room, where Zwinky was awaiting my command. “What is it this time?” I asked him. “Zwinky craned his neck at the radar, which showed our sub in the middle of the screen and five oval shaped objects quickly surrounding us. “It’s the Medusas again,” Zwinky responded, his eyes blinked. “Uggh,” I groaned. The Medusas were a couple of Hammer-head sharks that constantly tormented us. “Harpoon them all,” I sighed. Zwinky’s lights blinked in response, and he pushed a button on the dashboard.

I heard the familiar whirring of the Harpoon Gun coming out of the top of the hatch in the protanium roof of the submarine. “I’ll do it this time,” I picked up Zwinky and got him out of the leather seat. There was a butt mark in the chair from Zwinky sitting there so long. I plopped myself down in the seat and grabbed the adjuster lever on the bottom of the seat. I pulled upward, and a metal tube the exact size of my seat rose up from the floor. It surrounded me like armor, in case the fish attacked the sub and succeeded, I would be protected long enough for me and Tiger to escape. I pulled on headsets that had appeared from nowhere.  “Zwinky, turn on the magnetic shields,” I spoke into the microphone. “Roger Kelvin,” Zwinky spoke back.

Every time the Medusa’s attacked us, I would harpoon all of them, and then their brothers would come after us again and attack us again. It was a never-ending cycle. I reached into the ceiling and grabbed the periscope aimer. I lifted it over my eyes, and immediately saw water. I turned around, and saw five figures floating in the water. Yep. They were Medusas. I aimed the Harpoon Gun at the first one and fired. Now you’re probably thinking: “Kelvin, why the heck would you kill a hammerhead shark! They are endangered!” But no. The Medusas were the most powerful fish clan in Oceanaris, and Hammerhead Sharks are the most common species of fish in the world. The harpoon shot toward the creature and it screamed in pain as the point buried itself in its skin. But I felt no mercy. These monsters had almost killed me one time, and I was going to get my revenge. I press the return button and the Medusa got dragged into the butchery, where machine would gut it and clean it so I could eat it. I did the same thing to the rest of the Medusas, and when I was done, the tube slid back into the ground and I was done with my mission.

Diary of an Alien.

Chapter One

Now, If you’re reading this, I know you’re thinking: “Diary of an Alien? What a cool name! I’m going to read this book!” But let me tell you. This is not a book. This is a real story. It happened, and if you want to stay sane, I would suggest that you put down this book right now and pretend you have never read these words.

Now I know you’re just going to keep on reading and not even listen to that paragraph above,  so let me continue and not waste my breath.

Okay. Let me tell the truth. I am not an alien. I’m a human, though I’m considered an alien where I live.  I just wrote that title to attract more people. But if it didn’t have that title, people would be running away from the horrors in this book. Now back to the story. I live on the planet Trion 69. You’ve probably heard of it in the other “book”, Trion 69. For a quick review, there are four continents. Aleoi, Beastopoliz, Oceanaris, and Felioae. I lived in Oceanaris, where everyone there was a fish. I had to either swim around in my protanium scuba-gear, or drive my protanium sub. Protanium was a super-strong and super-light metal, that even the fish that lived in Oceanaris couldn’t bite through. That’s why I use it to swim around with in. My air tanks in the scuba-gear can last about a day, and it has water-proof jet engines attached to my back, so I could get around really quickly if I was ever in danger. Also, my submarine, which is about as big as a a two story house (seems huge, but is actually small compared to the Oceanaris subs) can last about a year without air or fuel. My sub (I call it my palace) has ten rooms inside of it. The first one is the command room, where my faithful robot Zwinky controls the palace and is always sitting on the leather seat. The second room is the pool room. Since the water’s inside Oceanaris are like poison to humans, you can’t swim in it. So if Zwinky accidentally turns on the heat, and its an oven in my palace, I can just hop in the water and wait until the AC kicks in. The third room is my room, and the fourth room is my bathroom. To bad I can’t bathe in the pool. It has chlorine in it. The fifth room is where my Toyger cat lives. His name is  Tiger. Coincidence right? Tiger loves to swim in the pool and catch fish. Luckily, my other robot named PRUR (I call him Prup) cleans up Tiger’s mess of fish guts and scales and other nasty stuff. Anyway, the sixth room is the most amazing in the whole sub. It has a bunch of computers where I can play video games, plus a water-slide that goes into the pool room. The seventh room is for storage, and so if the eighth, but the ninth room is the engine room, which is very interesting for me. The tenth is the weaponry room, where I keep all of my weapons. There are a couple of under-water harpoon guns on the top and bottom of my palace, and whenever there is a fish attack, I tell Zwinky to just harpoon them all, then me and Tiger can eat them in a soup. My favorite weapon is the laser-gun. You attach it too your arm, and whenever you need to shoot, you just clench your fists and it’ll shoot a laser at your enemy. There is also a grappling hook, so if you need to get up a steep wall, you just press a button, and the hole will shoot out a rope, like Bat-man, and then it attaches itself to the wall, and then press another button, and it will pull you up.

Trion 69

Far far away, in a galaxy about a million light-years from The Milky Way, there existed a planet called Trion 69. Trion 69 was about as big as the sun itself, but it had lush green forest and lively city with skyscrapers that went out of its atmosphere.

There were four parts of the planet. The first part, called the Aleoi, was inhabited by aliens of all species, as was not the place you would want to visit. The Aleoi was known for its crime rate and super-tall buildings. Every day, about one hundred thousand to one million crimes would happen, and the since there was no police department, the criminals couldn’t be stopped.

The second part, called the Felioae, was home to all types of cats. Persians, Regular house-cats, Sphinx, you name it. Felioae didn’t have skyscrapers like Aleoi, but it had the record breaking jungles of the time. The whole city was a huge jungle, and you couldn’t go two feet without spotted a Boa Constrictor. Luckily for the cats, they were huge and strong, and could easily kill their prey, which consisted of minced Python (Yes, the snake), Wild boar pie, which the Felonains had for breakfast, and Hammer-head shark soup, which was a delicacy.

The third was was named Beastopoliz. Every time a human or robot scout had gone to that continent,they would never come back. So that’s why everyone, including the humans, called it that.

The last, but not least, was Oceanaris. It was a humongous body of water, that was currently ruled by fish. Funny right? But no. These fish are 100 times stronger that a Great White Shark, and could bite through titanium like it was butter. No one, not even the Beasts of Beastopoliz dared to cross there territory.