Nonsense Stories, Uncategorized

Cow Vehicle

No offense Russians…

“Ahh! I’m hit Larrieh! I’m going downnnnnnn!!” Larrieh looked out his window to see his friend Jeiber plummeting to the barren desert below. There was a huge explosion as Jeiber’s F-16 crumpled into a ball of metal, taking Jeiber’s life with it. Larrieh didn’t even feel sorry for Jeiber. Jeiber had been so annoying during their training that Larrieh had almost wished that would happen to him. Larrieh had lost fifty-three packages of gummy worm boxes thanks to the late Jeiber. Larrieh grinned and resumed his dogfight with the enemy fighter jets, some insane Russians that had wanted to colonize the moon with mutated cows that could morph into frogs. That’s why Larrieh’s squadron of jets had been sent out, to stop the Russian spacecraft, named the “Корова автомобиля”, or “Cow Vehicle” in English. Larrieh aimed his machine gun at the Russian “Fighter Jet”, which was really a Cessna 182, with a max speed of 172 mph, and pressed the trigger. A second later, the Cessna exploded, and red liquid and small chunks of something splattered Larrieh’s window. At least the Cessna had a good paint job. Larrieh gunned down the other Cessna and turned around to face the launch pad of the Корова автомобиля. It was starting to rise up into the air, and the shock waves of the enormous force used to lift the rocket was causing Larrieh’s fighter jet to wobble in the air. Larrieh had to shoot his laser cannon’s into the space ship to stop it from populating the moon with mutated cows! Then the Russians would be unstoppable. Larrieh had to keep away from the ship or else he would crash into the shock waves and the plane would plummet to its death just like Jeiber. It was actually surprising  that the Russians could hook up their “advanced” weaponry to the Cessna, which was a BB Gun. The BB’s would just bounce off of the metal armor of the F-16, but when shot into the engine, the plane would go out of control. That’s what happened to Jeiber. Exactly. Larrieh veered away from the Корова автомобиля and then fired a single laser cannon toward the Корова автомобиля. It missed by just a hair, melting some of the metal on the ship, making the KOP of Корова автомобиля disintegrate. Larrieh switched to his plasma gun, and almost crashed into the Корова автомобиля! The shock-wave turned the F-16 upside-down, and Larrieh fought to keep under control! Still upside-down, Larrieh zoomed under the Корова автомобиля and faced up, right under the engine of the Корова автомобиля. The power of the single engine kept Larrieh from crashing into the airplane. Larrieh aimed with his computerized aiming system, but then, Larrieh’s father’s voice echoed in his head. “Use your hands, my son,” Larrieh nodded in agreement, and turned off the aiming device, and fired. Just like that, the plasma cannon shot into the engine of the Корова автомобиля. Larrieh veered away, avoided the fatal blast that could have killed him. Larrieh had did it! Larrieh’s squadron radioed in, congratulating Larrieh. Suddenly, something heavy landed on the F-16’s nose. It was a piece of a cow, which looked mightily like a huge steak! Larrieh carefully maneuvered to keep the steak on the nose of the jet, and landed on the aircraft carrier. He enjoyed the Russian Frog steak and lived happily ever after.


The Stick of Butter | Rettub fo Kcits Eht

Violence warning! PG-13


There once lived a stick of butter. The stick of butter was very lonely, and every time a person came near, instead of playing with it, the person would instead go inside the refrigerator and toast a slice of bread, and then use a knife and cut off a body part of the butter and smear it all over the hot bread. So one cold day, when the butter had hardened from being so cold, the butter jumped off of the plate it was sitting on and thrashed the human being to death. Blood was splashed all over the cold hearted butter. The butter jumped off the counter, and did a cannonball into the victims stomach, eating all of the intestines of the thrashed human being. Then it suddenly grew a staggering height, taller than the room around it! The butter raced out of the house, gulping down all of the human beings that had eaten part of it on some bread. “I am not useless!” The butter shouted, breaking everyone’s eardrums on the planet. The butter eated a person with a huge head, chomping down on its head and crushing it like a butter on bread. Then, the butter farted, and killed everyone in a fifty mile radius because of the stink. Then the butter eated all of the corpses, avenging himself. “Dos nastie Uman Beans” it thought. The butter turned on dis ground to air rocket missiles, the ones he had collected in the white house armery. The rockets could blow up a whole state with just one blow. The butter aimed it up, something you were never supposed to do, and pressed the big red button. The rockets fired, but they were strapped to the butter! The butter flew into space, and splattered on the moon, white stuff everywhere. That is now why the moon appears so white, because it has a three foot covering of butter.  _____________________________________________________________________________________________

.rettub fo gnirevoc toof eerht a sah ti esuaceb ,etihw os sraeppa noom eht yhw won si tahT .erehwyreve ffuts etihw ,noom eht no derettalps dna ,ecaps otni welf rettub ehT !rettub eht ot depparts erew yeht tub ,derif stekcor ehT .nottub der gib eht desserp dna ,od ot desoppus reven erew uoy gnihtemos ,pu ti demia rettub ehT .wolb eno tsuj htiw etats elohw a pu wolb dluoc stekcor ehT .yremra esuoh etihw eht ni detcelloc dah eh seno eht ,selissim tekcor ria ot dnuorg sid no denrut rettub ehT .thguoht ti “snaeB namU eitsan soD” .flesmih gnigneva ,sesproc eht fo lla detae rettub eht nehT .knits eht fo esuaceb suidar elim ytfif a ni enoyreve dellik dna ,detraf rettub eht ,nehT .daerb no rettub a ekil ti gnihsurc dna daeh sti no nwod gnipmohc ,daeh eguh a htiw nosrep a detae rettub ehT .tenalp eht no smurdrae s’enoyreve gnikaerb ,detuohs rettub ehT “!sselesu ton ma I” .daerb emos no ti fo trap netae dah taht sgnieb namuh eht fo lla nwod gniplug ,esuoh eht fo tuo decar rettub ehT !ti dnuora moor eht naht rellat ,thgieh gnireggats a werg ylneddus ti nehT .gnieb namuh dehsarht eht fo senitsetni eht fo lla gnitae ,hcamots smitciv eht otni llabnonnac a did dna ,retnuoc eht ffo depmuj rettub ehT .rettub detraeh dloc eht revo lla dehsalps saw doolB .htaed ot gnieb namuh eht dehsarht dna no gnittis saw ti etalp eht fo ffo depmuj rettub eht ,dloc os gnieb morf denedrah dah rettub eht nehw ,yad dloc eno oS .daerb toh eht revo lla ti raems dna rettub eht fo trap ydob a ffo tuc dna efink a esu neht dna ,daerb fo ecils a tsaot dna rotaregirfer eht edisni og daetsni dluow nosrep eht ,ti htiw gniyalp fo daetsni ,raen emac nosrep a emit yreve dna ,ylenol yrev saw rettub fo kcits ehT .rettub fo kcits a devil ecno erehT

31-GP !gninraw ecneloiV


Billa the Bum

There once lived a fat, grumpy old dude named Billa. He was about fourteen years old, but he didn’t know how to read or write, much less speak like a proper human being. One time Billa went to the store to buy some pig stomachs. Billa liked to deep-fry them and stuff the disgusting things with melting ice-cream. Billa considered it a delicacy, and when people wouldn’t eat it, Billa became offended, and the person would run for his or her life, because when Billa got mad, you didn’t want to be in the same zip-code as him. Billa lived in a shack off of Marigold street,  right under the old stop sign that had fallen over because Billa had gotten mad and yeah. Even the police were scared of Billa, and because he was so blubbery and jiggly and fat, bullets bounced off of him. He was virtually bullet-proof. The SWAT and other police forced had tried to overtake Billa, but Billa just opened his huge mouth and swallowed the poor SWAT team whole. After a while, the police had lost more than a thousand cops that died fighting Billa, and they built a unbreakable fence around where Billa lived, but Billa had just ran into the fence, and caused a riot in the streets. Eventually, the police had learned never to mess with Billa, or the results were brutal. Every time Billa walked down the street, people locked their reinforced steel doors with a couple of metal dead-locks, and crawled to higher ground. One day, Billa was walking down the deserted street, when a flaming asteroid hit Billa right in the Bum, and the asteroid bounced right off, melting some of Billa’s blubber, and propelling Billa a couple miles forward, his face digging a trench in the road. The asteroid had bounced up so violently and fast, it disappeared, and destroyed the Moon, all thanks to Billa. On the news, someone had recorded a video of that happening, and Billa expected himself to be the savoir of the world, but instead was looked upon as a blubbery old homeless person who caused the moon to explode.  “Billa you Bum!” shouted the President, as he flew over Billa in an army helicopter. The president shot a double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka at Billa, which bounced off of Billa, obliterating the street and houses around him, and destroying the helicopter which the president was in. The president died tragically, thanks to Billa. The charred bits of the helicopter slowly floated down to the ground, except the double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka. It was left unfazed. Billa grabbed it, pointed it down his gullet, and fired it. An immense fireball was formed, and before Billa could turn it around, the fireball disappeared down Billa’s throat and exploded inside of him. Billa vomited his intestines, which splattered blood on the street, and some people even recorded the destruction of Billa himself. Billa took a last breath, rasping that all he wanted was some fried pig stomach and ice-cream, and fell down, dead. People all over the world (and even the martians on the now destroyed moon) cheered, but stopped when they saw the charred bits of the president, who had “Sacrificed” himself to kill Billa. People put Billa’s intestines in a museum to honor the President, and the double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka was the most praised weapon of the century.


The End




Well, not really… 😛

When Billa had killed the President, the moon’s fragments (which were somehow magnetic) attracted each other, and Trion 69 formed, having both a magnetic core and able to sustain human beings because of the lakes and rivers that had formed when the asteroid landed on the remaining moon fragments. Billa (the bum) had created a whole new type of planet, one that people on earth could live on. He was praised (his holy dream) all around the world, and when Apollo 91 landed on Trion 69, they developed whole colonies on the strange planet, but when Aerth (Trion 69’s moon) exploded, Trion 69 was doomed.


Positive The End.


How Yllus the king ruled the world

There once lived an almighty king named Yllus, which is Sully backwards. He ruled the whole world, which was a very excruciating job. He had to make sure that U.S.A was not trying to steal any land from Canada, and that Africa was not trying to take over Mexico, and so on. Yllus had an army of five-hundred cats, each which razor sharp claws and titanium armor. If a country refused to listen to Yllus, and challenged him to a war, Yllus would simply command his cats to attack the country, but Yllus was merciful. He didn’t kill people. The cats would just order the country up, and the president of that country would be so scared, he would forget his/her anger and back down. Then Yllus would call his cats back. It was the year 5067, and humans were just starting to make colonies on Pluto. Year by year, the humans conquered each planet. The moon was first, since it was so close to the earth. Then Mars, then Neptune, then Uranus, etc. Humans had even started to live on the sun! It may seem all science fiction, but Yllus had used several heat resistant glass sheets, which were about a half mile thick, and placed it over the sun. The glass was resistant to all heat, including the sun. Now the sun had a glass covering over it, which wasn’t even hot, since the glass was half a mile thick. It actually felt cold under the people’s feet. Everything on the sun was made out of glass, so the houses couldn’t block out any light from the sun, and make earth go dark. The glass also had a specially made tint, to make the rays of the sun darker, so it couldn’t blind people. But that had gone wrong, and people just had to wear sun-glass contacts, which were sunglasses simplified into contact lenses. Yllus wanted to live on the moon, but he couldn’t, because King Yllus ruled earth. So some scientists just captured a couple gallons of moon air and put it in a special space, so air wasn’t allowed in. The moon air was released into the room, and King Yllus could actually float in the moon air, but with a special helmet of course, so Yllus could float. Yllus treasured his “moon-air-room” he called it, which he bought for a hundred thousand dollars. In his free time, Yllus would practice doing back-flips and programming in there. King Yllus was thirteen years old, super young to be the king of the world, but no one challenged him, because he was the King. The FAA had also made a rule that only applied to him, that he had a private pilot license, even though you had to wait to be fifteen for that. King Yllus knew how to fly. He could fly a Boeing 747, an Falcon fighter-jet, a Cessna, a Airbus 380, anything.