Comedy, Humor, Nonsense Stories, Parody, Revenge, SullyBully, Violence

The Parish Files Issue #2

Mr. Parish is dead asleep on his Precious. There is a sucking sound. Mr. Parish has his thumb in his mouth, and he is curled up like a baby.

 

Now, let’s fast forward fifteen minutes later. Mr. Parish is still sucking his thumb on the drive, and he is still asleep. But far above, a bomber plane’s officer is busy typing in the coordinates off the bomb’s landing site. It is supposed to land on a McDonald’s, but the officer’s hand slips, and instead of 500,300, 452, he types in 599, 390, 452, the exact coordinates of Mr. Parish’s driveway. But the head officer in command doesn’t notice the mistake, and drops the bomb. At 1500, the atomic bomb “Little Child” is dropped from an anonymous bomber plane, at an altitude of 150,000, headed for Mr. Parish’s driveway. The bomb only takes five minutes to drop from 150,000 feet in the air to 2,000.

 

Far down below, Mr. Parish sniffs. He smells the scent of an object headed toward him. He immediately jumps up, and hobbles toward where the object is heading to. In the middle of the driveway. The bomb, is about 500 feet from the ground, and Mr. Parish, the idiot he is, screams “You better not touch my driveway, child!”. He is right under the bomb.

 

mr-parish-atomic-bomb

Then the bomb hits the driveway, and explodes.

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Comedy, Humor, Nonsense Stories, Parody, Revenge, SullyBully, Uncategorized, Violence, Writing Practice

The Parish Files Issue #1

Who is Mr. Parish?

Mr Parish is a grumpy old man, that has a knack for screaming at young children. He kind off looks like a tomato with a body and legs and a cane

One day, Mr. Parish was sitting on the roof of his house. He had recently ordered his “Kill a Kid 3000”, and had pulled it up on the roof of his house, so he could conduct surveillance of the neighborhood. Mr. Parish had paid 3,000 dollars for the tank turret, and it had better not let him down. Suddenly, a three year old baby started crawling down his driveway, or as Mr. Parish called it, his “precious”. He even fed it three times a day!

Mr Parish let out a fierce battle cry, which sounded like a rubber ducky being squeezed. Then he rammed down the button which fired the gun, and bullets started popping out of the turret. The only thing Mr. Parish didn’t know, is that the turret was POINTED THE WRONG WAY!!! What happened next is too violent to show in this blog.

Mr. Parish’s body parts splattered all over the rooftop, and the baby that was crawling on Precious giggled.

The moral of this story?

Don’t be a grumpy grump


Uncategorized

Billa the Bum

There once lived a fat, grumpy old dude named Billa. He was about fourteen years old, but he didn’t know how to read or write, much less speak like a proper human being. One time Billa went to the store to buy some pig stomachs. Billa liked to deep-fry them and stuff the disgusting things with melting ice-cream. Billa considered it a delicacy, and when people wouldn’t eat it, Billa became offended, and the person would run for his or her life, because when Billa got mad, you didn’t want to be in the same zip-code as him. Billa lived in a shack off of Marigold street,  right under the old stop sign that had fallen over because Billa had gotten mad and yeah. Even the police were scared of Billa, and because he was so blubbery and jiggly and fat, bullets bounced off of him. He was virtually bullet-proof. The SWAT and other police forced had tried to overtake Billa, but Billa just opened his huge mouth and swallowed the poor SWAT team whole. After a while, the police had lost more than a thousand cops that died fighting Billa, and they built a unbreakable fence around where Billa lived, but Billa had just ran into the fence, and caused a riot in the streets. Eventually, the police had learned never to mess with Billa, or the results were brutal. Every time Billa walked down the street, people locked their reinforced steel doors with a couple of metal dead-locks, and crawled to higher ground. One day, Billa was walking down the deserted street, when a flaming asteroid hit Billa right in the Bum, and the asteroid bounced right off, melting some of Billa’s blubber, and propelling Billa a couple miles forward, his face digging a trench in the road. The asteroid had bounced up so violently and fast, it disappeared, and destroyed the Moon, all thanks to Billa. On the news, someone had recorded a video of that happening, and Billa expected himself to be the savoir of the world, but instead was looked upon as a blubbery old homeless person who caused the moon to explode.  “Billa you Bum!” shouted the President, as he flew over Billa in an army helicopter. The president shot a double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka at Billa, which bounced off of Billa, obliterating the street and houses around him, and destroying the helicopter which the president was in. The president died tragically, thanks to Billa. The charred bits of the helicopter slowly floated down to the ground, except the double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka. It was left unfazed. Billa grabbed it, pointed it down his gullet, and fired it. An immense fireball was formed, and before Billa could turn it around, the fireball disappeared down Billa’s throat and exploded inside of him. Billa vomited his intestines, which splattered blood on the street, and some people even recorded the destruction of Billa himself. Billa took a last breath, rasping that all he wanted was some fried pig stomach and ice-cream, and fell down, dead. People all over the world (and even the martians on the now destroyed moon) cheered, but stopped when they saw the charred bits of the president, who had “Sacrificed” himself to kill Billa. People put Billa’s intestines in a museum to honor the President, and the double crossed Mach 9001 bazooka was the most praised weapon of the century.

 

The End

 

 

 

Well, not really… 😛

When Billa had killed the President, the moon’s fragments (which were somehow magnetic) attracted each other, and Trion 69 formed, having both a magnetic core and able to sustain human beings because of the lakes and rivers that had formed when the asteroid landed on the remaining moon fragments. Billa (the bum) had created a whole new type of planet, one that people on earth could live on. He was praised (his holy dream) all around the world, and when Apollo 91 landed on Trion 69, they developed whole colonies on the strange planet, but when Aerth (Trion 69’s moon) exploded, Trion 69 was doomed.

 

Positive The End.