Comedy, Harry Potter, Humor, Nonsense Stories, Parody, Violence, Writing Practice

Harry Potter goes swimming

Harry Potter gazed at the YMCA, not sure whether to exercise in the pool, or Imperio some Muggles to steal him a Ferrari. pexels-photo.jpg

Harry made up his mind quickly, and jogged into the Y. He ran past the reception desk, without paying for a membership, and ran smack into a old lady walking a cat on a leash. The old lady snarled like a tiger, and sicced the pet cat on Harry, who screamed and yelled, running away with cat scratches and bites all over him. Harry could’ve easily killed the old Muggle lady, but it would be to much of a mess. And he didn’t want to end up like Voldemort. Harry opened the door to the pool, and dived right in without taking off his clothes. Then Harry suddenly remembered. He didn’t know how to swim! Harry thrashed around like a fish out of water, until the lifeguard, who was busy texting on her phone, finally realized that Harry was drowning. “Help me, you idiotic Muggle girl!” Harry shrieked. The girl dove into the water, and threw Harry a swimming noodle, which Harry promptly swallowed whole. It kept him afloat though, and Harry was able to swim to the side of the pool and get out, taking off his clothes, The lifeguard walked back to the highchair, muttering under her breath, and Harry jumped back into the pool, the swimming noodle in his stomach keeping Harry afloat. Harry tried to dive underwater, but it was no use. Just then, the receptionist, followed by the old lady that Harry had knocked over, burst into the pool room. The old lady hollered like those mountain people trying to knock over snow, and jumped into the pool. “You remember me, Harry Potter?” The “old” lady took off her mask, and revealed Voldemort face! Harry gulped as Voldemort took off the disguise. “I’m tired of you Potter running away like a coward each time I come for you,” Voldemort explained. Harry took out his wand, and stuck it into Voldemort’s eye, and a slimy black eyeball popped out, sinking to the bottom of the pool. Voldemort screamed in agony, and lunged at Harry, but Harry was ready, and used his wand to Imperio Voldemort. Volemort started to dance around, doing the chicken dance and making rooster noises. Harry laughed, and then pointed his wand at Voldemort, said “Avada Kedavra” and killed You-Know-You. Then Harry went to jail.

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Comedy, Harry Potter, Humor, Nonsense Stories, Parody, Violence, Writing Practice

Potter the Criminal

Harry slipped on his ski mask. Steam clouded up his glasses, so he took them off and threw them off into the dark night, where they clattered and scared off a cat. Harry grinned. It was time to rob the bank. Harry groped around on the concrete floor, and grabbed his invisibility coat. At least, that’s what Harry thought it was. Potter had accidentally gotten a blanket! Harry calmly walked into the bank. It was about to close. Harry Potter opened the bank door, and immediately saw a gumball machine. “Gum!” He jumped about. Harry shoved his hand in his pocket, pulling out a penny, a ball of lint, and a toothbrush, but no quarter. “Arg!” Harry shouted, angry at the world, and ran at the gumball machine, and slammed into it at full speed, knocking the breath out of him. But the gumball machine still stood.

Harry groaned, and held his belly. He opened the metal flap, and a single gumball dropped into his hand. Harry giggled with glee, and popped it in his mouth, chewing with gusto. Then Harry walked into the next set of doors, and ran right into a nervous bank teller, who was eating a cold bar of chocolate. “Hello, lady,” Harry said with a deep voice. “Its a ghost! Run for your lives!” The lady shrieked, and bolted out the door, struggling to stay upright, thanks to her high-heel shoes. Harry took out his wand, and carefully walked into the bank vault. A huge metal door stood in Harry’s way. “Curse that metal door!” He shouted. Then Harry raised his wand, and waved it at the door. “Wingardium Leviousus!” He bellowed. The door creaked and groaned, and with a cracking sound, it rose into the air, hovered over Harry’s head, and dropped.

Right on top of Harry.

So much for trying to steal a million dollars. By the way, the bank vault was empty. Another criminal had stolen the money.

lol

Harry Potter, Nonsense Stories, Violence, Writing Practice

Harry Potter in 2018 (At Walmart)

Harry Potter slipped on some cool sunglasses as he walked into Walmart. The sunglasses were so tinted that he walked into those things that beep whenever you try to pass them without buying whatever your holding. Harry Potter took off the sunglasses, and walked right into someone texting on their phone. “Watch it, Muggle!” He shouted. The Muggle jumped, and dropped her phone. Harry shook his head. He had bumped into five of those Muggle’s already. They were getting really annoying.  Some security guards rushed over to the scene, where the Muggle girl was sobbing on the floor, crying over her broken metal handheld device that lit up like a flashlight. There was a video of a cat playing chopsticks on it.  “Is there a problem here?” One guard asked. Harry rushed off to the frozen aisle section before the guard could ask him another question. In the frozen aisle, Harry opened a fridge, and shuddered as cold air hit him right in the face. “Arg! Its cold in here!” He yelled. Harry jumped right into the freezer, and got even more cold. “Yow!” He shrieked.

After a couple of minutes, guards had noticed that Harry was stuck in the freezer, and they had helped him out. Then Harry had grabbed a cartoon of eggs, and dropped them on his feet. “LOL!” a kid passing by had seen the scene. “LOL your face, MUGGLE!” Harry growled angrily, rushing forward and using his wand to poke the kid in the eyes. Two eyeballs popped out, and the mother who was holding the kid’s hand screamed and slapped Harry so hard, he went flying backwards. Harry blubbered angrily, and replaced the kid’s eyeballs. Harry then skipped over to the TV aisle, where Living Dead was playing. Harry screamed as he saw a zombie crawling toward him slowly. “Its ALIVE!” Harry shrieked so loud, the glass broke on the television, and sprayed all over him. Harry ran to another aisle before the security guards even got to the TV aisle. Harry was lost in Walmart. He decided to keep on walking toward these tanks of water that had orange things in them. When he got there, Harry screamed again, punched the glass, and screamed again when the glass broke on his hand and water poured out, along with a couple pounds of goldfish. Security guards closed in, arrested him, and Harry was sent to a mental facility.

 

To be continued. . .

Nonsense Stories, Uncategorized

Cow Vehicle

No offense Russians…

“Ahh! I’m hit Larrieh! I’m going downnnnnnn!!” Larrieh looked out his window to see his friend Jeiber plummeting to the barren desert below. There was a huge explosion as Jeiber’s F-16 crumpled into a ball of metal, taking Jeiber’s life with it. Larrieh didn’t even feel sorry for Jeiber. Jeiber had been so annoying during their training that Larrieh had almost wished that would happen to him. Larrieh had lost fifty-three packages of gummy worm boxes thanks to the late Jeiber. Larrieh grinned and resumed his dogfight with the enemy fighter jets, some insane Russians that had wanted to colonize the moon with mutated cows that could morph into frogs. That’s why Larrieh’s squadron of jets had been sent out, to stop the Russian spacecraft, named the “Корова автомобиля”, or “Cow Vehicle” in English. Larrieh aimed his machine gun at the Russian “Fighter Jet”, which was really a Cessna 182, with a max speed of 172 mph, and pressed the trigger. A second later, the Cessna exploded, and red liquid and small chunks of something splattered Larrieh’s window. At least the Cessna had a good paint job. Larrieh gunned down the other Cessna and turned around to face the launch pad of the Корова автомобиля. It was starting to rise up into the air, and the shock waves of the enormous force used to lift the rocket was causing Larrieh’s fighter jet to wobble in the air. Larrieh had to shoot his laser cannon’s into the space ship to stop it from populating the moon with mutated cows! Then the Russians would be unstoppable. Larrieh had to keep away from the ship or else he would crash into the shock waves and the plane would plummet to its death just like Jeiber. It was actually surprising  that the Russians could hook up their “advanced” weaponry to the Cessna, which was a BB Gun. The BB’s would just bounce off of the metal armor of the F-16, but when shot into the engine, the plane would go out of control. That’s what happened to Jeiber. Exactly. Larrieh veered away from the Корова автомобиля and then fired a single laser cannon toward the Корова автомобиля. It missed by just a hair, melting some of the metal on the ship, making the KOP of Корова автомобиля disintegrate. Larrieh switched to his plasma gun, and almost crashed into the Корова автомобиля! The shock-wave turned the F-16 upside-down, and Larrieh fought to keep under control! Still upside-down, Larrieh zoomed under the Корова автомобиля and faced up, right under the engine of the Корова автомобиля. The power of the single engine kept Larrieh from crashing into the airplane. Larrieh aimed with his computerized aiming system, but then, Larrieh’s father’s voice echoed in his head. “Use your hands, my son,” Larrieh nodded in agreement, and turned off the aiming device, and fired. Just like that, the plasma cannon shot into the engine of the Корова автомобиля. Larrieh veered away, avoided the fatal blast that could have killed him. Larrieh had did it! Larrieh’s squadron radioed in, congratulating Larrieh. Suddenly, something heavy landed on the F-16’s nose. It was a piece of a cow, which looked mightily like a huge steak! Larrieh carefully maneuvered to keep the steak on the nose of the jet, and landed on the aircraft carrier. He enjoyed the Russian Frog steak and lived happily ever after.

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Inky Bum

Inky Bum was a homey-cat from the streets. Literally. She lived on the streets like a bum, and wore clothes like one too. Literally. She lived on the streets like a bum, and wore clothes like one too. Every day, Inky Bum would wake up from her bed on the rooftop of a McDonald’s fast food restaurant, and before it opened, she would sneak down its chimney like exhaust pipe for the deep fryer, and steal a huge great big bucket of still warm fries, and couple of strawberry milk shakes, and ten Fillet O’ Fishes, because Inky Bum’s actually a cat. Not even the security cameras would notice a small black Bum of a cat sneaking around stealing food. After that, Inky Bum would walk out the front door, triggering an alarm. Inky would sprint away, probably into a empty house, and eat her fill, feeding the rest of the fries and Fish Fillet’s to her bird friends, Bob and Joe, enormous pigeons that played as extras in West Side Story. After Bob and Joe had finished eating Inky’s leftovers, they would walk/fly over to Burger King for lunch. It was still five in the morning, so none of the stores were open. Inky would have Bob and Joe grab her, and fly her up to the roof of burger king, and Inky would shimmy down the fryer exhaust pipe, steal a bunch of two layer burgers, more fries, and some extra stuff for Bob and Joe. Then she would walk out the front door, and Bob and Joe would fly Inky Bum away. After they had finished eating, Bob and Joe would fly Inky to Rally’s, famous for their awesome french fries. Inky would steal three buckets of fries, walk out the front door, and Bob and Joe would fly her away. At the end of the day, they were full like a water balloon. Bob and Joe would fly away to their shack outside a meat packing building, and Inky would finish off the rest of her french fries, leaving some for a midnight snack.

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Agent Inks

Agent Inks lurked in the dark, waiting for the cat fish smugglers to show up in the damp and dirty alleyway. Suddenly, two figures emerged from the darkness. One was limped  slightly, and the other one had a huge grocery cart that seemed to be filled to the brim with water. There was something splashing around in it.

Inky grinned, and switched on her recorder and camera, and started recording the scene. “So you have the fish?” asked the figure with the slight limp. “You bet,” replied the other shadow. Mr. Limp handed Mr. Grocery Cart a handful of cash, about a hundred dollars. Mr. Grocery Cart took the money, counted it, and threw it too the ground. “I asked for three thousand dollars.” he growled.”Well, your not getting it,” said Mr. Limp. Suddenly, they broke out into a fist fight. Immediately, spotlights shone from the rooftops onto the fish smugglers. They were caught. Agents from all sides surrounded the evil smugglers, and arrested them. The cat fish went back to the fish refinery they were stolen from. Agent Inks was paid 15,203 dollars for her contribution, and she spent about half of it on black sunglasses, some iced coffee, and doughnuts (a lot of doughnuts).

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Inky the Murderer

There was once a kitten named Inky. She was a black cat that was so fierce, she could catch a wild bottle cap from around the house and kill it without hesitation. bottle-cap

Every bottle cap that lived feared the ferocious murderer, and even their elite force of bottle caps armed with squirt guns couldn’t take down the cat. Inky was unstoppable. Then one day, things went to far.  Inky was strolling downstairs, when she spotted a family of bottle caps taking a walk. Inky laughed like a maniac, and pounced, instantly killing the bottle cap parents and their three bottle cap kids. Inky was immediately surrounded by bottle caps with squirt guns. Water from all side pelted the cat, but Inky seemed only annoyed by the commotion. Inky jumped at one of the bottle caps that had squirted water in her eye, and ate him. Inky gulped down the chewy thing, and burped. The bottle cap cops scattered, and fled. Inky finished off the family of bottle caps and rode off into the sunset. The End.

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Garfield the Horrible

It was a very sunny day outside. I was basking in the sun and eating a daisy and butterfly sandwich with a couple of toppings inbetween. I had no idea where that spoiled brat Odie was. I grudgingly got up from my throne, a chair crudely constructed out of sticks, leaves, and yarn, and walked over to the huge apple tree that Odie was napping under. What to do. I could climb up the tree, and drop down on Odie, I could pour cold water on Odie from a high branch, or I could tie his ears to the tree and ring a bell! That was the best idea of the three. I tiptoed up to the tree, and carefully wrapped Odie’s around the tree with great precision. I did a triple knot, and then a quadruple knot. Odie would never be able to get up. I snickered at the thought, and then sped away to get Odie’s favorite toy; a beach ball with a bell inside that rung whenever you shook it. I stood by the front steps, and shook the bell with all my might. Suddenly, there was a great ripping sound, and the tree that Odie was tied to was pulled from the ground with an enormous force.  Odie was under the tree, struggling and trying the keep the tree from the ground. My jaw dropped open as Odie bounded toward me. I tried to jump out of the way, but it was too late. The front of the tree crashed into me and into the front door and bull dozed it down. Somehow, Jon, who was by the front door, wasn’t even harmed as his entire home collapsed in on itself. Jon and Odie were the only ones standing. Five minutes later, the fire-fighters arrived on scene.

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A Cat named Dog

There once lived a cat named Dog. Dog was a cat, even though his name was Dog. Dog was always teased by the cats and dogs in the neighborhood, because he was a cat and his name was Dog. Dog was a black cat with grey stripes all over. He looked very much like a cat, despite his name. One day, Dog was strolling around the neighborhood when he spotted two other cats trying to catch a mouse. They were the two bullies that had always bothered Dog, even though he did nothing to bother them. Dog quickly ducked into a dark alley-way where the cats couldn’t bother him. Something wet dripped onto Dog’s neck. ‘Yuck’ thought Dog. He shook his fur to try to get it out. Then, another drop of something wet plopped onto his nose. Dog shook his head trying to get it off, and looked up to see what was dripping. About five feet tall loomed a humongous bull-dog, which was slobbering on the floor. It was staring right at Dog, probably imagining him as a nice meal. Dog cowered in fear, and looked for a way to escape. The entrance to the alley-way was almost ten feet away. He wouldn’t make it in time. The bull-dog growled, sensing Dog’s fear. Then the bull-dog took a step forward. Dog bolted toward the entrance, faster than a speeding bullet, but slower than the speed of sound. The bull-dog bolted forward too, but like a turtle compared to Dog’s speed. Dog escaped, almost with his life.

The very next day, Dog was trying to catch a mouse when suddenly, a group of cats surrounded Dog. Dog looked up, and saw the leader of the gang step forward. “Hey Doggy Cat,” He said. Dog didn’t even care what they called him. The mean cat snatched the mouse that Dog had caught, and chomped it down. Dog’s stomach growled, and so did he. When Dog got angry, you did NOT want to be around him. The gang of cat bullies shrank in fear as Dog transformed into a gigantic green human. Dog was almost ten feet tall, and could easy kill all of the cats. Dog stepped forward, and the ground cracked as Dog’s foot embedded itself in the pavement. The cats scattered, all except for the leader of them all, Rippy. Rippy was frozen in fear, like a statue. Dog ripped off a lamppole which made creaking sounds, hurled Rippy into the air, and swung the pole as hard as he could. Rippy was hit so hard and fast, he broke the sound barrier. Rippy wailed and cried as he was hurtling into space. He was never seen again. Dog giggled to himself, and shrunk back into his normal body, a Cat named Dog. Dog ruled the alley-ways from then on, and if he was ever hungry, he would order his Cat Servants to fetch him a mouse or two, with some snake smoothie. He was the King-of the-Alley.

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The Back-Stretcher

Today, a package came in the mail. It was huge, maybe as big as me standing up and with my arms outstretched. It was this thing called an Inversion Table. You strapped yourself to it and turned yourself upside down to stretch your back. All the blood rushes to your head, and if you stay like that for too long, your eye balls can pop with all of the pressure of the blood in your head. You stay upside down for about 3 minutes, and then slowly turn right side up. If you turn right side up to quickly, then you can pass out. I tried it for only a minute and a half, and while I was upside down, I could feel all the blood rushing to my head. Then, there was a searing pain and my eyeballs exploded inside my head. All I could see was white. People screamed, and I heard my eyeballs bounce on the floor. Just kidding 😉 After the timer rung I slowly rolled right side up, and could feel the blood slowly going back to my feet.

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Just a image from google