Now, If you’re reading this, I know you’re thinking: “Diary of an Alien? What a cool name! I’m going to read this book!” But let me tell you. This is not a book. This is a real story. It happened, and if you want to stay sane, I would suggest that you put down this book right now and pretend you have never read these words.
Now I know you’re just going to keep on reading and not even listen to that paragraph above, so let me continue and not waste my breath.
Okay. Let me tell the truth. I am not an alien. I’m a human, though I’m considered an alien where I live. I just wrote that title to attract more people. But if it didn’t have that title, people would be running away from the horrors in this book. Now back to the story. I live on the planet Trion 69. You’ve probably heard of it in the other “book”, Trion 69. For a quick review, there are four continents. Aleoi, Beastopoliz, Oceanaris, and Felioae. I lived in Oceanaris, where everyone there was a fish. I had to either swim around in my protanium scuba-gear, or drive my protanium sub. Protanium was a super-strong and super-light metal, that even the fish that lived in Oceanaris couldn’t bite through. That’s why I use it to swim around with in. My air tanks in the scuba-gear can last about a day, and it has water-proof jet engines attached to my back, so I could get around really quickly if I was ever in danger. Also, my submarine, which is about as big as a a two story house (seems huge, but is actually small compared to the Oceanaris subs) can last about a year without air or fuel. My sub (I call it my palace) has ten rooms inside of it. The first one is the command room, where my faithful robot Zwinky controls the palace and is always sitting on the leather seat. The second room is the pool room. Since the water’s inside Oceanaris are like poison to humans, you can’t swim in it. So if Zwinky accidentally turns on the heat, and its an oven in my palace, I can just hop in the water and wait until the AC kicks in. The third room is my room, and the fourth room is my bathroom. To bad I can’t bathe in the pool. It has chlorine in it. The fifth room is where my Toyger cat lives. His name is Tiger. Coincidence right? Tiger loves to swim in the pool and catch fish. Luckily, my other robot named PRUR (I call him Prup) cleans up Tiger’s mess of fish guts and scales and other nasty stuff. Anyway, the sixth room is the most amazing in the whole sub. It has a bunch of computers where I can play video games, plus a water-slide that goes into the pool room. The seventh room is for storage, and so if the eighth, but the ninth room is the engine room, which is very interesting for me. The tenth is the weaponry room, where I keep all of my weapons. There are a couple of under-water harpoon guns on the top and bottom of my palace, and whenever there is a fish attack, I tell Zwinky to just harpoon them all, then me and Tiger can eat them in a soup. My favorite weapon is the laser-gun. You attach it too your arm, and whenever you need to shoot, you just clench your fists and it’ll shoot a laser at your enemy. There is also a grappling hook, so if you need to get up a steep wall, you just press a button, and the hole will shoot out a rope, like Bat-man, and then it attaches itself to the wall, and then press another button, and it will pull you up.