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Puerto Rico (And why you shouldn’t move there)

There was once a smart boy named Bob. He hates Puerto Rico just as much as Donald Trump hates Mexico. Bob also hates K9 web protection. Each time the dumb popup came on, Bob will throw his computer out of the “house” he lives in. Puerto Ricans lived in shacks, and some even worked for money, laying on the “streets” as speed bumps. Oh, the streets. You couldn’t even drive on it. Even a monster truck couldn’t drive on the Puerto Rican roads. There are potholes so deep, Mount Everest could fit in the holes. Bobs parents had forced him to fly down to Puerto Rico, and live in their “house”, a couple dozen bricks cobbled together to form a shack. Ants, Cockroaches, and daddy long legs owned the “house” more than Bobs parents, and if you dropped a crumb of bread on the floor, within a couple of seconds, thousands and thousands of ants would be swarming over it. There were cracks in the floor, so even if you caulked the floor, the ants would find another way to get in the house. Even a homeless person wouldn’t want to live in their “house”. If you wanted to go to the grocery store, too bad. You couldn’t drive on the streets to the grocery store, much less even walk on them. So, you had to starve. The Puerto Rican government was busy saving up to fix the road, cent by cent, century by century. In a couple of millennia, they would have enough money to buy a bag of concrete, but there wasn’t enough water pressure to fill up a bucket. The water tasted like metal, and Bob’s parents forced him to drink it, just like they forced him to move down to Puerto Rico. When Bob went to sleep, he could feel ants crawling up his legs, and he could hear the humming of a nest of mosquitos flying towards him. In the morning, Bob woke up to a leg more bloody than raw meat, and arms more swollen than baking soda and vinegar in a soda bottle. Cats from all around the neighborhood tormented Bob’s cats, so even his cats hated Puerto Rico. Did I mention there was no Air Conditioning? Even the richest person couldn’t afford the luxury of AC, and if he did, there were so many cracks in his home, all the cold air would escape. When Bob went to shower, he would turn on the tap, just to find it dripping a couple of drops. The whole neighborhood was given a gallon of water an hour. For the WHOLE neighborhood. There was also this dog that lived on the streets of the neighborhood, and each day, it would go and poop on the grass. The smell alone was enough to knock a person out. When Bob went to sit at his desk every day, he could feel ants crawling in his hair and legs, trying to scavenge for food.
The internet was so slow, you couldn’t even load the text “I hate Puerto Rico”. You wouldn’t want to get internet anyways. You had to pay by the second, five dollars per second, for your whole life.

The moral of this story?
Don’t move to Puerto Rico. Seriously, don’t.

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Fly

Flies. The worst insect. They fly in you food, starting “washing” their hands, and then you have to throw the delicious food away.

The story I’m about to tell you is the most tragic story ever.

There once lived a fly named Bob. He was ever so hungry. His belly rumbled, wanting either dog doodoo or trash. Bob patted his poor stomach. Suddenly bob’s eyes spotted a rotting McDonald’s Fish Fillet on the ground. Yummy! Bob eagerly flew toward the sandwich. Bob dug into the sandwich, and starting eating everything. After a couple of hours, only a couple crumbs were left. But Bob was fatter than a hippo. His tiny wings couldn’t lift the weight of his enormous juicy body. Suddenly, a dragonfly came along. It’s huge fangs could easily chomp through the flies thick belly. The dragonfly did exactly, and chomped down hard. On the fish fillet crumbs. Bob wasn’t going to be eaten! The dragonfly flew away, and Bob the fly had to train his wings to lift his humongous body. A couple minutes of training, and then Bob could fly. He lifted his body into the air, and got several feet before an airplane zoomed through, sucking Bob into its engines. Bob died, just like any other fly.

 

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Agent Inky Part 2

Inky was dead…

Well, kind out. She had been captured by the secret organization, Walmart. They were trying to steal the almighty teapot. It contained the most secret substance ever, TEA. tea.jpg

Walmart planned to pour the tea into the water supply, and anyone who drank it would die.

Anyways, Inky was surrounded by Walmart henchmen. They all had AKCheerio’s , a gun that shot out cheerios at a deadly speed. The henchmen all thought Inky was dead. so they didn’t handcuff her when they picked up her body, a fatal mistake. Inky jumped up twenty feet in the air. She took out her poison frog darts, and threw them at seven of the henchmen. They all went down. The poison frog darts were poisonous at a lethal level. The other three henchmen were killed out by Inky’s claws, longer and sharper than an T-rex’s claws. Blood spurted everywhere, and Inky ran like a roadrunner, faster than a supersonic jet. The Walmart shelves started to fall over from the supersonic boom. Inky received a message through her earbuds, telling all agents that the teapot was last seen in the bathrooms. Inky raced toward the bathrooms. A second later, she reached the two doors. One led to the girl bathrooms, and the other to the boy bathrooms. Inky went into the girl bathroom. There were toilets everywhere. Officer DeadRabbit phoned in, saying that the teapot was in one of the toilets. Inky started opening the toilet covers and looking inside to search for the almighty tea.

Suddenly, some round object was thrown into the bathroom. It was a hand grenade, slightly larger than an apple. The rope leading to the explosive was quickly burning down. Inky had less than thirty seconds before the bomb exploded.

inky toilet
This is the real life Inky

The last toilet was inside of some walls, the wheelchair toilet, the mightiest toilet of them all. Inky looked inside, and there was the teapot. It was full of tea. Inky could feel the power radiating from the pot. Inky stashed the teapot in her agent backpack, and used her laser watch to burn a hole through the ceiling. She easily jumped out, and used her Driftboard to zoom away, just as the whole building exploded in a series of massive explosions,

ya.jpg

Inky’s mission was over. She had the tea.

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Agent Inky Part 1

Inky the black cat was a secret agent, and she was on a special mission: To retrieve a stolen sugarbowl and to report back to the station. Inky slowly crept toward the house, the long dried out grass was tall enough to hide an elephant in. Suddenly, the door flew wide open, and a 80 year old man, spittle all flying out of his mouth, screamed “Intruders!!” He was weighed down by a minigun. Inky’s eyes flew wide open, and she bolted toward the door. The minigun started to warm up, and the turret slowly started turning. Inky finally reached Mr. Parish’s front stoop, and she leapt up the stairs. Mr. Parish was busy mowing down the front yard with minigun bullets, thinking there was an intruder hiding. There used to be.

Meanwhile, Inky snuck through the doorway, and bolted up the carpet steps. Inside the house smelled like a moldy carpet, mixed with a hint of dirty socks. Inky looked around. Where would a crazy old man keep a precious item… Their kitchen maybe? So Inky crept back downstairs. She could hear the minigun still raining bullets on the front yard. Inky quietly closed the front door, and locked it with all the deadlocks Mr. Parish had installed to keep “intruders” out. But now Mr. Parish was on the other side of the door. Inky ran to the kitchen. Time was running out! She opened all the drawers, and searched around for a white bowl with a cover. But their was none! The last place to look was the bathroom. Inky bolted back upstairs, and opened the bathroom door. It was steamy and hot in the bathroom, and smelled like old man. Something fell down from the cabinet. It was a huge plastic container. Inky opened it, and immediately regretted the decision. A wave of stinkiness bombarded Inky’s sensitive nose. Inky picked out the dentures, and at the bottom of the jar, was the sugar bowl! Suddenly, Mr. Parish started banging on the front door. He had probably ran out of bullets. Inky phoned HQ, and moments later, their was a helicopter above Inky. She opened the bathroom skyroof, and jumped down. Inky fired her grappling hook at the helicopters wheels, and zoomed up toward the helicopters open doors.

 

Inky had learned a new lesson. Old men hid valuable things in their denture jars.

 

 

The End (Of part 1)

Comedy, Humor, Nonsense Stories, Parody, Revenge, SullyBully, Violence

The Parish Files Issue #2

Mr. Parish is dead asleep on his Precious. There is a sucking sound. Mr. Parish has his thumb in his mouth, and he is curled up like a baby.

 

Now, let’s fast forward fifteen minutes later. Mr. Parish is still sucking his thumb on the drive, and he is still asleep. But far above, a bomber plane’s officer is busy typing in the coordinates off the bomb’s landing site. It is supposed to land on a McDonald’s, but the officer’s hand slips, and instead of 500,300, 452, he types in 599, 390, 452, the exact coordinates of Mr. Parish’s driveway. But the head officer in command doesn’t notice the mistake, and drops the bomb. At 1500, the atomic bomb “Little Child” is dropped from an anonymous bomber plane, at an altitude of 150,000, headed for Mr. Parish’s driveway. The bomb only takes five minutes to drop from 150,000 feet in the air to 2,000.

 

Far down below, Mr. Parish sniffs. He smells the scent of an object headed toward him. He immediately jumps up, and hobbles toward where the object is heading to. In the middle of the driveway. The bomb, is about 500 feet from the ground, and Mr. Parish, the idiot he is, screams “You better not touch my driveway, child!”. He is right under the bomb.

 

mr-parish-atomic-bomb

Then the bomb hits the driveway, and explodes.

Comedy, Humor, Nonsense Stories, Parody, Revenge, SullyBully, Uncategorized, Violence, Writing Practice

The Parish Files Issue #1

Who is Mr. Parish?

Mr Parish is a grumpy old man, that has a knack for screaming at young children. He kind off looks like a tomato with a body and legs and a cane

One day, Mr. Parish was sitting on the roof of his house. He had recently ordered his “Kill a Kid 3000”, and had pulled it up on the roof of his house, so he could conduct surveillance of the neighborhood. Mr. Parish had paid 3,000 dollars for the tank turret, and it had better not let him down. Suddenly, a three year old baby started crawling down his driveway, or as Mr. Parish called it, his “precious”. He even fed it three times a day!

Mr Parish let out a fierce battle cry, which sounded like a rubber ducky being squeezed. Then he rammed down the button which fired the gun, and bullets started popping out of the turret. The only thing Mr. Parish didn’t know, is that the turret was POINTED THE WRONG WAY!!! What happened next is too violent to show in this blog.

Mr. Parish’s body parts splattered all over the rooftop, and the baby that was crawling on Precious giggled.

The moral of this story?

Don’t be a grumpy grump


Cat, Comedy, Humor, Violence

Inky lives another day

Inky crouched, hidden among the tall grass around her. Her tail wiggled like a snake that had no head. Inky’s ears picked up the faint smell of a soda bottle cap.

bottle cap

Inky quickly leaped forward. The bottle cap that Inky had been tracking down for days turn around, to find a black cat lunging toward it. The bottle cap let out a high pitched shriek that only bottle caps could emit. Inky had gotten used to the sound, over hundreds of hunting expeditions. Inky landed on the red bottle cap, and quickly slit its neck with her razor sharp claws. The bottle cap bled out its remaining soda blood, and fell silent. Inky quickly picked up the bottle cap with her fangs, and carried it away to her hideout, a hole in the ground.

 

Suddenly, Inky woke up. She was drooling all over the couch she had fell asleep on. Inky got up and jumped down from the overstuffed chair. She looked outside, and quickly focused on a wild bottle cap that was roaming the tree. She jumped out the door, and raced up the tree, like countless other times. Inky leapt forward, and caught the bottle cap. Its neck was so THICC Inky had a hard time killing it. Then, Inky bit into its juicy tender meat, and devoured it in the time it took a normal human to say “yummy”.

 

The End

Uncategorized

Harry’s Death. Rated PG-14

Harry Potter stood in the dark alley, surrounded by muggle muggers. All of them held knifes.The mugger in the middle, who was obviously the leader, scooted back a little bit. He had seen what Harry’s wand could do.”Stand back, Muggle Scum!” Harry commanded. The muggles all scooted back a couple of steps. Harry held out his wand, pointing it at the leader. He muttered a couple of words under his breath, and then a bright pink line shot out of Harry’s wand, pushing him back a bit. The line hit the mugger’s leader, surrounding him with pink air. Harry grinned, knowing exactly what was going to happen. The Muggle leader screamed in pain and agony, the pink stuff surrounding him was starting to soak into his clothes. The man started to shrink and transform. His followers backed away, and then ran when Harry shot off The Imperius Curse at one of them. The man who got hit screamed like a baby, and then started doing the chicken dance, copying Harry’s exact moves.

The man who Harry had transformed into a pink daisy screamed in a high pitched voice “Mommy! Mommy come help meee!!!” Harry laughed like a madman, and then pulled down his pants, yanked down his underwear, and a yellow stream of yucky stuff splattered all over the plant, who screamed even louder. The pee soaked into the dirt. The chicken dancing man who harry had imperioed was still dancing. Suddenly, the flower grunted, and it started to grow. Harry’s pee had mutating powers! The flower grunted again, and it shot up six feet, a foot taller than Harry! Then, with its spindly arms, grabbed Harry and threw him into his mouth, eating him in one bite.

Harry never breathed again.

As for the flower, it continued to grow, until it was the size of mount Everest. Then, it took over the world. Harry was never seen again.

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Dungeon Duel

Towek the magician was in a grueling situation. He had been captured by trolls and been forced into the Dungeon, an underground prison where all sorts of skeletons lay. Some other prisoners were also being held active by the evil trolls. Towek still had his magical torch though. The dungeon keepers, a bunch of Rareks, kept on patrolling around the huge dungeon, discouraging the prisoners from escaping. But Towek wasn’t afraid of those evil beings, even though they had eyes bigger than garbage can lids. Towek slid his magical torch, the Injept, out of his robes, and cast a flame spell at one of the Rarek, which lit the whole creature on fire. The Rarek screeched with fright. Towek didn’t know this, but Rarek’s were very sensitive to light, thanks to their huge eyes. Too much light and they could go blind. A bunch of other Rareks rushed over to the Rarek, that was melting into the floor. Towek saw this as an opportunity to escape from the jail cell. He casted a melting spell, melting the bars to a metalic puddle on the stone floor. Then he rushed past the gathering Rareks, and up the flight of stairs that led to the top of the castle.

 

To Be Continued

App Store, Comedy, Humor, Nonsense Stories, SullyBully, The Struggle, Uncategorized, Video Games

The Struggle (Also a video game on the App Store)

The Struggle App

Jimmy the rock climber stared up at the huge rock wall his friends had challenged him to climb. “Go on, Jimmy! I double dog dare you 15,000 dollars you can’t do it!”. Bob, Jimmy’s “friend” was video taping Jimmy sweating, and staring up at the huge wall. It stretched infinity into the sky, and even if you tried to measure it, you couldn’t possible type in the huge amount of numbers. (It would take an entire Harry Potter book).

Jimmy held his breath, a took a swig of Mountain Dew. Suddenly, his whole body shook because the drink’s incredible power.  His hair fell out, and he screamed because all his clothes had fallen off. Suddenly, pure energy emanated from Jimmy’s feet, causing him to rocket up from the ground, and up the wall. “Way to go, Jimmy!!” shouted Bob, who was still recording. The power that was coming from Jimmy’s feet started to fade down, and he started to run along the wall, if that was even possible, breaking all the laws of physics. Suddenly, Jimmy spotted something falling down from the same wall he was running along! Jimmy looked to the right, where there was another wall about 10 feet away. Jimmy prepared to jump. A second later, Jimmy pounced, jumped ten feet, and landed on the other wall. He picked up a golden coin, and slipped it into his pocket.

Fifteen minutes later, Bob slumped against the bottom of the wall, dead with hunger, while Jimmy was earning money and skins like popcorn.

 

The End.

 

Be sure to buy the game on the App Store!! (I made it)